North Korea Readies Enormous Penis, U.S. Officials Say

According to U.S. intelligence -- and, more importantly, a man in a Holiday Inn near the White House -- North Korea is preparing a gigantic phallus for construction and will soon erect the edifice, pointing it menacingly towards U.S. soil.

Being a mere non-functioning statue, the enormous junk would not pose any kind of real threat, but would serve to attempt to scare the U.S. into leaving North Korea alone.

"North Korea has complained in the past about us 'being all up in their grill', so now they're trying to do something about it with this giant penis," said one official on the condition on anonymity, since talking about a giant penis could come off as a little gay to some people.

North Korea, currently presided over by President and Self-Appointed Frog Lord Kim Jong-il, has a history with dicks, having launched one over Japan into the ocean in 1998, causing massive damage to the reserved Japanese people as they shielded their eyes from the insulting shape. But the country signed an accord in 2005 that promised it was done with the cock, an agreement that the United States believed "was a pinky promise", according to White House spokesman Tony Snow.

"Seriously you guys, North Korea promised they were done with willy testing," Snow whined to the press, who were still laughing at the fact that he is a former Fox News employee. "They were all like, 'Okay, seriously. We are seriously not doing that any more.' It was pretty much a swear on their mother's grave."

Now, said Japanese Foreign Minister Taro Aso, it may be time to get more stern with North Korea by having the U.N. send them some papers.

"If these stories of North Korea waving a...ha-cha-cha around are true, we are definitely telling on them to the U.N.," he said angrily. "The U.N. will schedule some meetings and some calls, and North Korea will be sorry they even thought about building statues of genitalia."

But Jong-il says the rumors are false; and furthermore, that North Korea loves peace, and the United States, and enchiladas.

"I am not here to talk about any penis but my own," he said, unzipping his pants to the horrified and amused stares of reporters. "I would like one of you to make a soup out of your brains. Another can build a plaster armchair for me to rub my hair on."

Some U.S. citizens and politicians alike believe that should North Korea get a chubby, the country should pursue a harsh response.

"We oughta just build our own penis right back," said one outraged citizen. "North Korea can't do this! I'll sure as hell spend my tax dollars to prove that we can build an American penis bigger and better than theirs."

"I would just like to state for the record that I am completely uncomfortable with this discussion, and in fact like vagina," said Kansas Senator Sam Brownback, looking nervous.

Meanwhile, opponents on the other side of the aisle say it would do no good to get into a penis race with North Korea.

"If we don't say anything, they'll go away eventually," said a fearful Senator John Kerry.

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