U.N. To Deploy Additional Celebrities To Africa

Pictured: J-Lo about to be unleashed from her crate.

The U.N. Security Council today eschewed a resolution to send peace-keeping troops into the beleaguered Darfur region and other tumultuous parts of Africa, opting instead to deploy additional celebrities to give the images of genocide and starvation their due attention.

The UK delegates to the Security Council, who originated the resolution, admitted that while the cost of hiring Nicole Kidman to hold a starving baby in her arms in front of cameras was equitable to sending in 500 troops from the Congo, such are the images the world community craves.

"There is so much hunger, pain and murder going on underneath our noses, that a public awareness campaign of the dire situation must begin immediately in the form of someone more universally appealing than George Clooney," said the UK delegate. "It's true that we must work to put an end to world hunger and the pain inflicted upon the young and innocent, but with Page 6 and lingerie ads getting exponentially more hits that the Op-Ed page, simple humanitarian and political discourse has proved to be an antiquated way to mobilize support and supplies. The time for Tom Hanks or J Lo is now."

While major news sources like the New York Times have stated that the violence in Darfur has become too disturbing for front page material, A-listers that pay lip service to the starving and dying masses is untapped potential for change.

"I would totally buy a Jessica Simpson western-themed cowgirl outfit if I knew that part of the proceeds were going to go to her program to help end violence in Fardur, or the Dusan, or wherever all those people are dying so horribly," said fashion consumer Liz Maltin, 26. "Of course, she has no program and nothing of the sort is happening, so I'm going to continue buying my clothes from stores that make absolutely no charitable or humanitarian donations at all as a form of protest."

Maltin further complained about how selfish celebrities and corporations are: "They could be giving so much of their money to worthy causes, but instead they hoard it for themselves, and for what? If there were a place where I could buy jeans that I would know were somehow helping people somewhere in the world, then I would totally shop there. But without that kind of leadership, I guess all the money I spend on myself will just go into the pockets of the rich until someone with a heart and a conscience steps up and starts trying to make a difference."

Nations supporting the Security Council resolution cited examples of Bono's involvement in Africa as a success story that needs to be repeated by Tim McGraw, Bruce Springsteen and Neil Young before any impact can be made. Though the presence of the U2 frontman has failed to bring an end to bloody battles between warring factions, nor has it brought vaccine to millions of AIDS babies, the United States delegation has argued that another four or five A-listers making speeches or recording insipid songs would bring lasting peace.

"This is a new world where battles will not be fought on the front lines, or even in the rear ranks and general's quarters," said a US delegate. "Nay, it will be fought within the pages of US Magazine, and without star power behind the nebbish petitions to fight for peace and feed the poor, the desperate cries of concerned celebrities will fall on deaf ears."

The resolution calls for stars to mention Africa in a condescending way at every promotional stop for new movies, and also for certified-platinum musicians to cover Marvin Gaye's socially conscious hit "What’s Going On?" at every live performance until 2008. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's sojourn to Namibia is being derided for giving the public a misleading image of Africa as a desirable place to visit and to relax, when they should be fighting for somebody's rights somewhere other than wherever Namibia is.

"Now that's just hurtful," said Pitt when confronted with the accusation that he is doing nothing to assist the plight of poor children. "I'm keeping [girlfriend] Angelina [Jolie] pumped full of my joy-giving semen, which makes her more likely to adopt children who would otherwise be dying of AIDS or being hacked to death by machetes. Even when we're not having poor little African babies of our own, we're bringing into our family the children of this continent who were unfortunate enough to be born at all, so I'd say that we’re doing more than my fair share."

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