Pope's Visit To Africa Leaves Thousands Dead

Pictured: the Pope.

U.N. officials estimate that Pope Benedict XVI has killed thousands of Africans after his latest visit to the beleaguered continent, in a wave of destruction many are comparing to both Hurricane Katrina and nine tsunamis.

Many showed up to protest the Pope as he returned to the Vatican today, several days after he began his six day trip in Africa with the news that using condoms to prevent AIDS is "worse than ten Muslims".

"AIDS cannot be overcome through the distribution of condoms, which even aggravates the problem," said the Catholic leader while flying to Cameroon, a type of giant African nut on which millions of people live. "In fact, even thinking in your heart 'I wish I could wear a condom' will cause AIDS."

The pontiff's comments enraged many individuals throughout the world, which subsequently enraged the Pope in return. As punishment, the Pope began to conduct Mass -- which is a Roman Catholic canonical word meaning “boring shitstorm" -- across the African continent, causing many to perish from confusion and exhaustion.

"What the hell?" cried one man after passing the 75 minute mark of Mass. "What the fuck is happening here?"

Reactions from locals and even American officials have resoundingly condemned the Pope's destruction of Africa.

"We're not even dealing with the dead bodies," said former New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin, presumably about the Africans killed by the Pope. "They're just pushing them on the side."

"I can only imagine that this is what Hiroshima looked like 60 years ago," lamented former Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour, also probably regarding the wave of destruction unleashed by the Pope. "The Pope is like a nuclear bomb."

The Pope, whose true form is unknown but is believed to be a large lizard similar to the monster in the 1954 blockbuster movie Godzilla, continued to conduct Mass in Africa throughout the week. He was unapologetic about his actions, denouncing Africa as a continent of "superstitious, silly people" who need to learn the truth about Jesus and the Holy See.

"All Africans are living in fear of spirits, of malign and threatening powers," he said after his final attacks. "In their bewilderment, they even end up condemning street children and the elderly as alleged sorcerers. But at least they wouldn't die so much if they would just stop using condoms once and for all, especially because I would stop killing them."

President Barack Obama released a statement on Monday that cautiously condemned the Pope's words, then apologized for allowing the comments to happen and accepted responsibility for them.

"This one's on me, guys," Obama said glumly. "I'll try and do better next time."

World leaders anxiously await the response of Mothra, the head of the Greek Orthodox Church, to the Pope's actions.

Image credit: Flickr

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: