I'd Have Laughed If You'd Told Me 10 Years Ago That I'd Be Jerking Off in a Hidden Car to the Boys Cross Country Team

Pictured: Counselor John, an Enduring Vision guest columnnist

Life sure has a funny way of working out, doesn't it? I may have never met you, but I think it's safe to say that you never thought that your life would work out the way it has, right? Well, I'm with you -- you can certainly imagine my surprise to find myself vigorously masturbating in my car, hoping not to be seen while the boys cross country team runs by!

Yes, this is certainly not quite what I had in mind when I spoke at my high school graduation 15 years ago about "not being afraid to be who we want to be," or "taking the world by storm." The whole thing would make me laugh if my face weren't contorted in a shameful and fleeting orgasm!

But so what if I am that guy who is slouched down in the front seat, eyes barely up over the door, watching lustfully as sweaty young men run on by completely unaware of his lascivious presence? I'm the one out on the streets, getting what I want out of life. Now, I'm here to tell you that you can do the same!

The thing to not do is get discouraged -- it's all about improvising. If you think that little roadblocks like public indecency and anti-voyeurism laws would keep me from achieving my goals, then what kind of career counselor would I be? I certainly wouldn't belong in a high school where kids make very important decisions about their careers every day, and then, hopefully, go jogging with at least six or seven other supple boys. No, you just have to roll with the punches and change with the times.

Sure, compromises have to be made occasionally. Having to lie to your wife as to why you don't want to have sex with her anymore, or why you always have to "go out for milk" the same time every Tuesday before dinner -- just about the time the boys track and field long-distance team comes gracefully bounding around the corner just two blocks away -- is the kind of resistance you may encounter as you go out to be a winner in your chosen field. Don't let it stop you, especially if you're young and athletic, and you like to run. It never stopped me, I can promise you that.

Sometimes, plans go awry, and dreams that you once clung to -- like inserting yourself between a pair of blonde lesbians in some sort of sexual Super Bowl -- no longer do it for you. That's when you have to find a new angle, and admit to yourself that you may be happier in some completely different field. It's like the moral to the motivational book "Who Moved My Cheese?", which I highly recommend for anyone graduating, considering a career change, or being oddly obsessed by "Chariots of Fire".

Do you think I dreamed about being a high school career counselor when I was a kid at Space Camp? Was I thinking about sweaty teenage boys the first time my friends and I watched a pornographic movie? Nope, but that's the way things turned out! So instead of giving up and considering myself a pathetic failure, I found a way -- actually, a couple ways, since I keep having to change cars to remain undetectable -- to make it work, and to get the most reward out of what I think is my calling.

You know, when I talk to my son about taking his future into his own hands and bringing his dreams to fruition, I have to chuck to myself over the irony of it all, but my point remains true: if you pursue with vigor and discipline that which gives you the most pleasure in life, then no one will judge you. Keep in mind that you have to proceed as if they will, because sometimes the law can force judgments on us all, so it's best to operate incognito.

In conclusion, there is just one thing to remember if you want to succeed and glean as much vitality out of your career and personal life as possible, and that is… oh, wait, here they come, I'll have to finish our discussion later. Why don't you stop by my office later?

Special thanks to our guest editorialist, Counselor John. He has free office hours from 1:00PM to 3:30PM Monday through Friday at Riverside High School.

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