How About John Kerry For A Presidential Candidate?
Does anyone remember John Kerry? I don't blame you if you don't, but I understand if you do, or don't. John Kerry was the Democratic party's pick for their presidential candidate, and he went on to run against George W. Bush in 2004. No, not Al Gore. That was the other guy in 2000. This was John Kerry. Kind of tall? Remember? He went hunting on camera that one time so that we'd all feel more comfortable about him, even though he secretly thought it was very icky. Ringing any bells?
Anyway, with all this talk about the theme of change permeating this year's Democratic primaries, I thought it would be a good time to bring up John Kerry again. Think about it: we all know a lot about the current contenders. Barack Obama did drugs before, but so did we, so that's cool. Hilary Clinton has the same name as Bill Clinton, so good there. And John Edwards once ran as the Vice President with what's-his-name back in 2004, so we know his deal, too. But isn't all of this familiarity exactly what we always go through in elections? Isn't it time to change to a candidate we don't remember much about?
The great thing about a candidate that we don't know much about is that he could be almost anything we can imagine, kind of like Fred Thompson was before he spoiled it all by letting us know too much about him. Remember everyone saying that he could be the 21st century Ronald Reagan, swooping in with charisma and charm to rally the Republican Party and make it awesome again? That was a great time for Republicans. The only thing that ruined it is when Fred Thompson starting making speeches and showing up at debates. But up until then, he was the top candidate. For the Democrats, John Kerry could be like that pre-Fred Thompson Fred Thompson.
John Kerry is whatever you want him to be. He's all the little pieces you like about the current candidates, combined into one swell guy. Do you like that Hilary Clinton is a woman? John Kerry has been told he was acting like a woman before, plenty of times! (Did you find that remark to be sort of offensive against women? So did John Kerry!) Do you like that Barack Obama speaks eloquently, just enough for you to be a tiny bit confused, but still impressed? Then you'll love John Kerry's speech, which takes that to the next level! And whatever is good about John Edwards, John Kerry has that, too. Plus, they're both named John.
The fact is, in this age of intense media scrutiny, we'll never have a perfect candidate -- at least not until the robots come. And John Kerry is as close to a robot as we may get in our lifetimes.
Do you want to know a secret? I am John Kerry. Now that you know that, let me ask you: did you like this editorial? If not, there's definitely still time to change it. That's the beauty of me, John Kerry: I'm not afraid to change what I believe in to suit you, the voters. That's the beauty of democracy, and that's my one true conviction. If you've been following the other candidates closely, you'll see that that's their one true conviction, too. If you're comfortable with them, you're just one step away from liking me.