Why Do People Keep Buying Things That I Don't Like?

Pictured: netguy89

Okay, I've made at least 675 tweets about this in the last 72 hours, but apparently, some of you people just aren't getting me. FAIL. So let's go over this one more time: everyone needs to stop spending money on products that I think are stupid.

It's like I was posting the other day in the comments section of an AppleInsider.com story: the iPhone is terrible. Why would anyone ever buy one? I'll tell you why: because people who buy iPhones are sheep, unlike people who buy Android phones, who are just making the smartest choice. (Do I, netguy89, have an Android phone? Uhhhhhhhh, yes? Call me crazy, but I like to own products that aren't for idiots. I made that very clear to my parents when they asked me what cell phone I wanted for graduating freshman year of college.)

But of course, all the sheep on AppleInsider couldn't handle it. They started arguing with me, trying to defend their purchase. Why would they do that? If I had a retarded iPhone, and someone said, "Hey, just so you know, the iPhone sucks and you probably only bought it because you want to suck Steve Jobs' cancer-ridden cock," I would think to myself, "This guy on the internet is judging my phone pretty harshly. I think there's something wrong with it." Is that so hard to do? Apparently it is.

The internet is so fucking predictable sometimes. You can tell when over 30 people on AppleInsider post basically the same thing: "The iPhone doesn't suck, Android does, we just formed a suicide cult for Steve Jobs, blah blah blah." How about you go ahead and name one thing wrong with any Android phone? Meanwhile, I've already explained about a hundred reasons why you should never buy an iPhone in this article alone. Go ahead, count them up. Or do you need an app for that?

This is all part of a bigger problem: for a bunch of different reasons (government over-regulation, sheeple, Steve Jobs), people constantly do things that I have repeatedly called out as being dumb. What's the point of the internet if nobody takes any of the valuable advice posted on it? I mean, I can understand basically anything, using these magical tools called Google and Wikipedia -- look them up sometime. But I can't understand how someone couldn't understand how they're massively wrong, and I'm completely correct.

Okay, maybe you don't want to listen to me, because maybe you're new to the internet, and my obvious experience with it scares and intimidates your feeble brain. That's fine. But at a bare fucking minimum, you need to do the following before you buy basically anything: 1) Search for that thing on Google; 2) Read what everyone is saying about it; 3) If any of those things are bad, don't buy it (this doesn't count if the thing you're buying is obviously cool, like an Android phone). If you think that's hard, you deserve a shitty iPhone.

Special thanks to our guest editorialist, netguy89. He can currently be found on popular videogame messageboard NeoGAF.com explaining why the Playstation 3 is such a piece of shit compared to the Xbox 360.

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