I Love You, Suggested Facebook Girl
"Paula Friedman." The name fills me with a mixture of vague recognition and overwhelming romance every time it happens to appear under Facebook's suggested friends I may know. It keeps coming up, as if the electronic fates themselves were crying out for us to be together, and also because you haven't friended me back yet.
Do I know you, Paula? The question is irrelevant to our love -- the love we started to share the minute I laid my eyes on your 110 x 200 pixel profile image. Just by looking at it, I can tell how beautiful you are, although it's possible that you have severe imperfections that are hidden by the small size of the photo. When we meet in person, we'll have to work through those. If necessary, I'm willing to look at you through a reverse magnifying glass to duplicate the smallness of your online picture. Such is the power of my love.
Besides, I'm attracted to so much more than what appears to be your face. Although I cannot see the vast majority of your profile, since you understandably have most of it set to private to discourage the riffraff of the internet from putting their e-paws all over you, I love what I have learned about you. For instance, I see that you're friends with a Tabitha Schwartzman, and I imagine that the two of you must have some wonderful adventures, breaking the hearts of men who didn't know you were waiting for just the right person to form an online connection with. Old Tabby probably writes about your escapades on your wall, which I would love to see, if you could just confirm our friendship, my love.
You're in the Boston, MA network, which is surely another sign that we were meant to be together -- I once planned a trip on Google Maps that would have taken me directly through that lovely city. The trip never happened, but imagine if it did! I'd have spotted you through the window of your favorite Boston building, and seeing my loving gaze, you would have realized that I was there from the internet, and that everything was going to be okay.
There are other people on Facebook with the last name of Friedman, so I can only assume that you have a large, close-knit family. They will be skeptical of me at first, I'm sure, but once I show them the results from the quiz application "How Good A Couple Will U & UR Crush Be", they will embrace me into all of their networks as one of their own. Finally, I'll get to see pictures of Aunt Judy's 50th birthday party!
The quiz results are fantastic, by the way. You were supposed to do half of it, my sweet, but while you take care of finishing up your law school that you're probably in so that you can romantically support me in my lovable wacky endeavors, I filled in your parts for you. Even though I was careful to answer only exactly how you would, it turned out that we are 99% compatible. "True Loverz", the quiz called us, and frankly, I could never disagree with science and technology. It's what brought us our love.
Speaking of bringing people together, it occurs to me that I have a cousin named Paula, who ended up going to school in the Northeast somewhere -- do you know her? I haven't spoken to her in a long time, but I'm confident that she'll vouch for my romantic abilities, even if they can be a bit misplaced that one time.
Paula, your name sounds more familiar by the minute, as my brain slowly but steadily catches up to what my heart has known all along: we were meant to be together as one. Welcome me into your Facebook life, and you'll see what I mean -- I already have 16 love-filled requests ready for you to enjoy. Your next four virtual chocolate strawberries and "Love Boat" Facebook bumper stickers are on me. It's the least I could do for someone who is almost certainly my soul mate.