EV @ The Movies: Catwoman

Catwoman came out this weekend, and it's been getting less than purrfect reviews (sorry -- just a little joke for those of you out there who love cats as much as I do!), unfortunately. I say "unfortunately" because I, and the four of my cats that I was able to smuggle into the theater with me, got the chance to see the movie this weekend, and let me tell you, those critics must be dog-loving feline nazis, because there is no other movie out there that can show you so many nice cats.

The opening sequence alone is a treat, showcasing the fantastic Egyptian Mau breed in all its mysterious glory. There's also several Oriental breeds in the film -- in fact, I counted at least 43 individual cats! My babies helped me count, too, as they are better at spotting their own kind than even I am! Each time they scratched me under my coat that I had them hidden in (declawing cats is a disgusting and inhumane thing to do -- how would you like having your fingernails removed so that you could not tear holes in the couch or scratch your loving owner?), I knew that meant they were telling me, "Hey! Crazy lady that we love! There's another one of us up there on the screen!" And I just said to them, "I see them, babies. They're awfully pretty! Are they friends of yours? Do Momma's babies have famous Hollywood kitty friends?" And then one of the other six people in the theater shushed me, so I let one of my babies down on the floor to go over to him. My kitty headed towards the door of the theater, but I knew eventually he probably gave that old shushie meanie what for! I'm still waiting for him to come back from his little adventure, which was two days ago now.

But if there's one area where the movie didn't go as far as it could have, it's in the amount of cats and cat-related things going on. Why didn't Halle Berry have to use a litter box? I was looking forward to a scene with her and her cat friends all in one giant litter box together (maybe a sand box or something -- be creative, Hollywood!), making their adorable little wastes and discussing cat things like how to have a purrfect hair day, or avoid coughing up a gross little hair ball! Goodness knows if God would answer the prayer I give Him every night and turn me into a cat-lady hybrid, I would spend all the time I could with my babies, since I could finally really talk to them instead of playing a sick, strange fantasy existing entirely within my own lonely mind. But instead, Halle Berry spent most of her time doing uncat-like things, like slutting it up with dirty old humans and fighting crime. Newsflash for the movie's makers: cats don't fight crime! Heck, they have a hard enough time fighting a ball of yarn!

Or how about this: Halle Berry could have to battle the mean old man who comes around to her house every once in a while to ask her insulting questions about the amount of cats she has, and how by state law she isn't allowed to own so many because her facilities aren't "properly equipped" to take care of them all, especially since she isn't a licensed veterinarian or animal-care specialist? It sure would knock his hairpiece off if Halle Berry jumped down on his head from the roof when he rang the doorbell and used her tail to strangle him, forcing blood to his eyeballs so that they exploded off of his stupid, mean face! Then her cat friends would all walk over, mewing, and Halle would say, "Time to eat, my babies!" And the cats would eat him, not because they liked him better than a little Fancy Feast, but because they liked to listen to their Momma and they were getting rid of the bad man. Now that's a movie I could really sink my claws into!

Still, even without these additions, Catwoman was still a very good movie, filled with cats and people talking about cat-like things sometimes. And even though there was an unnecessary story about a cosmetics firm or something like that (who cares? Cats can't wear makeup! Do your research, Hollywood!), there was still plenty of other purrfect feline action to make up for it. Maybe in the sequel, there can be a few more of the scenes most of us cat-lovers would've liked to see, like that stupid computer-animated cat from Shrek 2 getting killed and dismembered by pretty, real cats, or Catwoman using her cat powers to put some little cat pee in her mean landlord's stupid coffee that he's always drinking. But until that sequel comes, this movie will have to do. It sure is a good yarn!

Overall Rating: B

Special thanks to Darlene "Cat" McCarthy, a fan of felines living in Kitten, Catsylvania (she refused to provide us a location that is more reflective of reality).

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