EV @ The Movies: The Matrix Revolutions

I was all set to go out and see this movie when I received an interesting phone call. It was the Wachowski brothers, creators of The Matrix trilogy!

"Hey guys," I said, "I was just about to go see your movie.

"We know," they said in unison. "But we thought it would be better for you to experience The Matrix for yourself."

"But...what is The Matrix?" I said.

"We cannot explain what The Matrix is," they said. "Actually, it's an idea that had some promise in the first film, but quickly grew cliched and unfocused in subsequent movies. Still, you need to experience it for yourself!"

"Okay," I said, and just like that, I was sucked into the phone with the Wachowski brothers, where they promptly explained my mission to me.

"You are The One," they told me cryptically, "who will give this series some focus and direction, so that we can end on something that wasn't as ridiculous and stupid as the second film."

"Okay," I said, and off I went to see the prophet.

"Hello," she said. "I'm the prophet. I look different then I originally did in this simulation, but the person who the Wachowski brothers got to play me in this simulation they made for you died, so they were forced to write in some stupid crap explanation about why I look different.

"Okay," I said. "Why am I here?"

"I think you know," she said mysteriously.

"I guess I do," I said. "Where am I going?"

"I think you know," she said mysteriously.

"I guess I do," I said. "What do I do?"

"I think you know," she said mysteriously.

"I guess I do," I said. "Thank you, prophet. You have truly been wise and all-knowing."

"You're welcome, sugar," she said. "I will now bake some more cookies."

"Okay," I said, and then I was off to go check out Zion, where the machines were burrowing in to kill everyone inside.

"Hey," I said to one of the gunmen.

"Arrrrgh!" he shouted. "Sorry, I have to shout while I'm shooting the machines, it makes me sound more dramatic. Arrrrgh!"

"Oh," I said. "Why are you shooting them? I mean, why can't you just use an EMP to disable them, like the ones that are on your ships?"

"Arrrrgh!" he shouted. "That wasn't a shooting shout, that was a shout because we sure should've done that! What a fucking huge mistake! Arrragh!"

I next addressed the machines. "Why aren't you guys doing something about people being unplugged from the Matrix in your huge harvest fields? They're your food source, you know."

"Who knows?" said one sentinel. "It's better if we just have big wars like this."

"Okay," I said, and then I was off to battle Agent Smith! We did a lot of awesome-looking stunts, and then it appeared as if he had me beat. He said a few things that were actually pretty cool, but then his face dropped as I stood up!

"What are you doing?" he asked me in terror.

"I don't know, but I'm going to beat you now," I said. "Bam!"

Then there was a large explosion for some reason, and all of the sentinels left Zion and promised to release all the humans from The Matrix, and there was peace, even though the machines need to feed on humans for peace, so by letting them all go they effectively killed themselves. The important thing was, though, that I was magically returned to the Wachowski brothers.

"Hey, I found out a few things you might want to change about this movie before any more people see it," I said. "First of all, you --"

"Too late, we already made tons of money!" they shouted. "Away!"

At this point, I was returned to my world...but is it really my world, or just a simulation? Since The Matrix Revolutions seems to have forgotten that this is the god damned cool principle that the first movie was made on in the first place, I guess I'll never know the answer.

Overall Rating: F-

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