Going Back To School: What Can YOU Do?
The end of August usually means 'back to school' for the nation's children, college students and post-graduates. Some people seem to enjoy going -- so much so that they go into terrible debt to pay for it -- but the return to school can be a disturbing and messy event, especially for youngsters who presumably go only because they don't have a driver's license and can't hang out at the local Wal-Mart instead.
The Enduring Vision would never endorse learning of any kind, so we're happy to offer some easy-to-follow instructions for avoiding school. Or, if you are somehow tricked into attending, the following tips will make your experience as tolerable as possible.
- Get job, work all year, continue until dead
If relinquishing your grip on those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer makes you sad, then the best solution is to give them up all together. Working a job every day without a significant break during the summer months not only erases the pain of having to return to the drudgery of school, but gives you something to do almost every day of your life, until you finally succumb to death's sweet embrace.
- Graduate early
Did you know that some students are able to graduate early? What makes them so great? Point this out to your dean or principal, along with the fact that you hate school so much and you don't need to learn anything else. You will graduate instantly. Bonus tip: if you are not allowed to graduate early, consider quitting, which is largely the same thing.
- Send evil clone of self in your place
Not only is human cloning okay, it's an excellent idea with no repercussions. Use your clone to get you perfect attendance, while you sit back and enjoy a Cuban cigar. WARNING: do not try to replicate your evil twin, nor allow him to replicate himself so that he doesn't have to go to school the next day. This will create an endless-loop situation whereupon your evil twin will multiply at such a rate as to overwhelm the world's resources and militaries. You may want to go to school with him just to keep any eye on him and make sure he is not developing cloning technology during study hall.
- Watch "Back to School"
This movie will teach you an important lesson about both college and life: you need to lighten up and do whatever you want (i.e., listen to Oingo Boingo), then quickly get serious and pass everything at the end.
- Act like smartass idiot who is too good for school
If you have to be in class, you might as well stubbornly reject any and all forms of knowledge presented to you. As interesting as your various lectures may sound, resist the urge to learn from them. The eventual failing grades you receive from your teachers will be proof that you've won. WARNING: this may backfire if your U.S. history teacher believes you are intentionally following the principles of Henry David Thoreau's Civil Disobedience, and gives you an 'A' for a real-life application of the unit on transcendentalists.
- It's almost Christmas!
With the summer a distant memory, it's time to think about Christmas, the next big break from school. Use your spare time to prepare for this important holiday instead of focusing on school; most teachers disregard all work done from August through December anyway, realizing that nobody can concentrate with Christmas right around the corner.
- Become teacher, refuse to teach self
If you're your own teacher, you can let yourself off the hook, relieving you of school forever! To do this, simply complete all necessary schooling required to get your teaching degree. Bonus tip: don't give up on yourself as a student, even if you want to quit. You need to become a teacher someday!
- Play clever "bomb threat" joke on everyone
Real bomb threats are no laughing matter, which makes pretend bomb threats all the more hilarious. Starting from the very first day of school, send letters to school administrators threatening explosions, murders and mayhem if classes are held. Eventually, let the school board in on the joke. They just might give up on trying to hold classes when they realize how hard everyone is laughing!
- Go back in time and stop parents from mating
When two people mate, they often have a child -- and children of all ages go to school. What are you? Somebody's child. It can't be mere coincidence. Stop your parents' urge to mate, and you'll take school out of the equation for yourself.
- Murder grandparents, stay home to comfort grieving parents
Face it: your grandparents are most likely close to death anyway, and won't even notice the difference when they're no longer living. Plus, they love to give you presents, and what greater present is there than the gift of ultimate sacrifice to get someone out of school?