Buying A Computer: What Can YOU Do?

Technology moves so fast, sometimes it's hard to know what's out there, let alone know what you actually need. But whether you're just looking to write a few documents or edit homemade pornography videos that you will later conspicuously let leak out and act horrified but secretly be pleased because of all the publicity it'll get you, there are a few basic things you should look for in a computer. The EV brings those to you now.

- Don't be fooled by technical mumbo-jumbo
Gigahertz, gigabytes, DVD burners, monitors -- these are all just jargon words invented by salespeople in order to confuse you. When you go to buy a computer, strictly inform the retailer that you want none of these things.

- The more money you spend, the better the computer
Like all things in life, spending more money will instantly get you a better product. Be wary of gimmicks like "savings" and "sales".

- Look for large computers
The bigger a computer's case is, the more circuitry and gadgets that can be fit inside it. Don't be fooled by smaller machines. Bonus tip: Laptops are the weakest computers of all due to their size. You'll be better off lugging around a bigger, powerful desktop model.

- Avoid models that can talk and have one glowing red eye
Some computers are too smart for their own good, and may eventually try to overthrow you. Be on the lookout for these usurpers.

- Watch Weird Science
This definitive 80's movie about two nerds who use powerful computers to create the perfect woman will teach you an important lesson: the 80's were incredibly stupid.

- Assemble own computer using cardboard and lettuce
Computers are expensive, so poorer readers may want to consider this option. Lettuce is suggested because of its green, circuit-like color, but corn husks may also be used. Consider a small chalkboard and chalk for the screen.

- Quickly mash keyboard to determine computer's power
A good computer will be able to understand any command you throw at it, even if that command is your fists rolled rapidly around the keyboard. If the computer beeps at you when you do this, it's not one you should buy.

- Explain to salesperson that you don't know anything about computers, and will buy anything
This lets the salesperson know where they stand with you, so that they can be sure to give you the appropriate "beginner" model. Don't worry -- they're trained professionals!

- Beware of computers that make sounds
Just like a car, you should always make sure a computer is not making any clicks, whirs, or other troubling noises. It is normal for the mouse to make a "clicking" sound when pressed, but other sounds are usually indicative of faulty parts.

- Kill self
For some, buying a computer might just be too hard. In this case, you'd be better off dead than living in a modern world without proper technology.

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