Celebrating Memorial Day: What Can YOU Do?
Many people don't know that not only is Memorial Day the unofficial start of the summer, the official start of the grilling and drinking outdoors season, and a day off of work cryptically called "Memorial Day" -- it's also about honoring fallen soldiers. As a nation at war, it's more important than ever to celebrate Memorial Day with the proper mix of respect, dignity, reverence and a hearty ration of charcoal briquettes and ice for the cooler. As always, the EV is here to help you get the most out of celebrating Memorial Day. Here's how:
- Tell everyone you meet how ashamed you are to be hungover
You will be wasted on Sunday night, and getting up for the annual parade in the morning can be a tall order. The perfect remedy is to apologize to everyone you meet for not being curbside in support of the troops, making sure that you make clear that it was alcohol that caused you to miss the revelry and not laziness, hatred of America or a secret crush on Osama bin Laden. Bonus: if you are drunk and/or vomiting as you speak to the person you're talking to, apologize for this instead.
- Support the war
Without wars, there would be no fallen soldiers to honor, and thus, no Memorial Day to make work close. To make sure that a fresh supply of heroes is felled on the battlefield, show your support for the soldiers by supporting a war that will help get them killed.
- Oppose the war
GIs returning from Iraq, or who fought at Normandy, the Somme, or Korea, will appreciate your "War Solves Nothing" sentiments, and encourage them to fight for your right to oppose their actions.
- Loudly remind everyone that Memorial Day is about the troops
As people go along merrily drinking their non-American beer, what they don't realize is that people are fighting for their right to choose not to drink the domestic brew. Tell people what Memorial Day is really about. Bonus: don't be surprised if reactions are extreme, such as "You have changed my life," or "May I join you in a troop prayer?" Both are common when people find out the incredible truth about M-Day.
- Call it "M-Day"
M-Day stands for Memorial Day, and is a cool, short way to say it, rather than saying "Memorial", which lasts three syllables longer and thus occupies three syllables of space you could be using to honor our troops. Caution: beware of people thinking you are so cool for saying this that they want to emulate you in every possible way, including cutting their hair exactly like yours and seducing your boyfriend.
- Build memorial to self
Who ever said that it's "Troop Memorial Day"? The last time anyone checked, only Memorial was in the title -- take this as explicit permission to build a large granite monument to yourself, your penis, or any other number of objects you feel are worth worshipping. Caution: avoid building memorials to deities, as Memorial Day is not about religious crap.
- Watch Fox News
Right-wing publications like F-News are the only part of the media that are still patriotic, and the commentary within will remind you that no one, especially you, gives enough thought to war heroes past and present. You ungrateful bastard.
- Paint hot dogs, hamburgers in patriotic manner
Anybody eating a good old American red white and blue dog on Memorial Day would have a tough time not tearing up over the soldiers' sacrifice, or feeling stomach pains as a show of solidarity. Caution: paint is inflammable, which means it is fireproof and could resist your grilling efforts. Use excessive lighter fluid.
- Watch Born On The Fourth Of July
This pseudo-patriotic movie will allow you to watch Tom Cruise in his pre-insanity state, and remind you that some troops hate their country and their freedoms and everyone else's freedoms. Do not honor these people on Memorial Day.
- Kill self for your country
The troops have sacrificed alone for long enough. It's time for you to join them to make this country a better place, and by hanging yourself in your garage, you'll be doing your part to stop al-Qaeda forever.