Protecting Yourself On Facebook: What Can YOU Do?

Pictured: Facebook's official logo.

Facebook, the popular social networking site that one old person recently referred to as "What?", came under fire recently for changing their terms of service to say, basically, that they own every member of their site forever, and reserve the right to reconstitute their personalities after they die in order to have them promote things.

Eventually, Facebook reconsidered, but the question remains: how can you use Facebook responsibly?

- Limit photo postings to inappropriate pictures of rectum
There's no possible reason that anybody would want to steal nasty photos of your body parts to advertise a product. Note: do not post appropriate pictures of your rectum, which would be ripe for the taking.

- Post on own social networking site, "Bacebook"
Invite all your friends to Bacebook, your hot new social networking bebsite! Update your Brofile with hilarious facts, or just leave each other Bessages on your Balls. Bonus: as the owner of Bacebook, you can use your friends' information to hawk products!

- Join Facebook group, "Please Don't Steal Our Content"
Anybody thinking about reusing anything you post would have to think twice about it after seeing you were a member of this powerful group. In official internet rankings, Facebook groups are the second-most influential way to make real change in the world (the first being internet petitions).

- Can't even fucking believe this shit
It's like, one minute you're posting a picture of yourself hilariously barfing all over some hot chick, and the next thing you know, that same picture is on a billboard promoting, like, some fucking corporation or some bullshit.

- Update status to "...might seriously leave Facebook :( "
Don't panic: you won't actually leave Facebook, but making everyone think that you might will demonstrate to them how super-serious you are. Bonus: if someone challenges you to leave it, explain that you can't, because your internet friends would think that you died.

- Join MySpace instead
Sure, MySpace is much uglier than Facebook and has less than half the users, but it is populated by lots of teenagers who will think that you're cool for raging against the machine! Note: if the teenagers do not think that you're cool, buy them some virtual beer using the e-Beer application.

- Continue posting until Facebook is full
There are so many people on Facebook now that it won't be long until it can't hold anything else. Now is the time to post information you were considering holding back, such as your birth certificate and social security number.

- Trick Facebook into signing your terms of service
Try posting a link to a "hilarious video" on Facebook's wall, but have the link actually lead to an auto-signing of your anti-Facebook terms of service. This is what's known as "TermsOfServicerolling".

- Age 40-50 years
If you don't understand Facebook, you won't be able to even comprehend that the internet is using your pictures for the gigahertz bandwidth.

- Take advantage of powerful new marketing opportunities on Facebook
Facebook is the newest, hottest platform where consumers in your key demographics communicate! Deliver targeted messages to your prospects with eerily specific advertisements that will make people think, "Big Brother is watching -- and he totally gets me!"

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