Going To College: What Can YOU Do?
It's that time of year again: spoiled kids are heading off to the college their parents went to on their parents' nickel to major in Partyology, while others take out $30,000 in student loans that they will be saddled with for the next twenty years as they major in something that has exactly three job positions in the known universe for. No matter who you talk to, it seems like everyone is going to college these days, and therefore, everyone could use our invaluable advice on what to do when you get there.
- Find nerds, yell out, "NEEEEEERDS"
Face it: you're at college to have a good time, and the last thing you want is a bunch of nerds nerding the place up with their large glasses and Apple IIs. Alert your fellow dorm-mates to their presence, and you'll quickly become the campus hero. Bonus tip: if you do not immediately detect nerds, begin sniffing suspicious people until you find the unmistakable nerd scent.
- Frat advice: practice borderline homosexual experiences at home before leaving
If you plan on joining almost any frat, you can expect to have to engage in activities for initiation that most societies would judge as pretty gay. Playfully writing on another man's ass or drawing large penises on his face are great ways to prepare yourself for the manly experience of frat brotherhood.
- Dude, you don't even have to go to class
Man, they can't even make you come! Can you believe it? It's totally up to you! Man, who would go, like, on their own? High school should be like this!
- Naively attempt awkward long-distance relationship with high school boy/girlfriend
You guys have been dating for months now -- it's way too deep to let something like 600 miles and an open environment of alcohol and unsupervised co-ed living come between you. Your duties include lamely explaining to new college friends about your commitment as you go to social events, and phone conversations that decrease in frequency at an inverse rate to how long you have been at college. Bonus tip: if you are still dating at mid-terms, you are not doing something right.
- Have sudden superficial, misinformed view of politics
You may not have cared about government before, but one strong-willed professor or a talkative friend will suddenly make you realize that you're way smarter than everyone else, and you have ideas that will knock those fat cats in Washington off their feet when they get a load of your protest sign and scruffy beard.
- Sorority advice: buy sexy clothes, become lesbian
It's common knowledge that sorority girls, in addition to college co-eds, are ravishing women who require sex at least 12 hours of the day, often with other sexy sorority girls or co-eds. If you are interested in joining a sorority, but are fat or unattractive, don't worry, as you will soon be highly attractive, appearing on the internet as you are videotaped seducing your professor.
- Prepare self for parents' secret scorn
Your parents say they're proud of you for going to college while they did not, but watch carefully for statements like, "Of course, they can't teach you in there what you learn in the real world," or "I hate anyone who goes to college, even if they're in my family. Especially if they're in my family."
- Take year off, but come back later, seriously
No, it's cool. You just need a little time to yourself, but a year off should really make you more excited to be in school. You'll totally be ready to go by next year.
- Consider one of those TV colleges instead
Doesn't going to school to make video games sound totally awesome? While millions of suckers go to "real" colleges and universities to study math and boring boredom, you'll be making a game about doing that one girl from high school, then selling it for millions of dollars. Bonus tip: some TV colleges, while sweet-sounding, expect too much from you, so consider internet correspondence schools as the lazy man's alternative.
- Cobble shoes
There's a lot of quiet dignity and simple rewards to be found in the shoe cobbling industry, and you don't need a fancy degree to do it. Plus, everyone has shoes, and sooner or later, those shoes are going to need cobblin'.