Holiday Shopping: What Can YOU Do?

Some people may think that with Black Friday gone, the worst of the holiday shopping is behind them. Sadly, they're mistaken -- as the holidays grow nearer, shopping will become more and more frantic, until eventually going to the store will mean gambling with your life. Luckily, these tips should help you at least stay alive until New Year's Eve, when you can die from alcohol poisoning.

- Avoid items marked "Sale" or "Clearance"
Some unscrupulous stores will stop at nothing to get your business, even if it means resorting to scams to get your money. Don't be fooled by these obvious pyramid schemes.

- Become morbidly obese
Although your breath will be shortened, your new girth will allow you to clog shopping aisles, block product displays so that only you may look at them, and deflect lesser shoppers who may try and snatch items from you. Bonus: withdraw into your muumuu to disguise yourself as a large, flowered tent if trouble approaches.

- Parents: encourage children to misbehave
Naughty children shouldn't get presents, and that means the parents of naughty children don't have any buying to do. Suggest that your children buy drugs, steal automobiles, and attempt to assassinate important politicians, then discipline them for doing so. Hint: avoid potential logic trap "But you told me to do this!" by accusing your child of smart-assery.

- Make own, shitty gifts
Homemade gifts allow you to avoid hustle and bustle, and besides: nothing says "Happy holidays" like a few wooden planks that vaguely resemble a towel rack.

- Argue with cashier about frivolous issue that you're wrong about anyway
This will ensure you move one step closer to a heart attack, as well as irritate the people who have to wait behind you in line.

- Slit wrist and trip up fellow shoppers with slippery blood
A well-timed squeeze of blood will make floors very slick, causing even the most sure-footed shoppers to fall and leaving you with the presents you want to buy. Tip: imagine yourself as Spiderman shooting webs, only instead of webs, you're shooting blood.

- Watch "Jingle All The Way"
This holiday classic will remind you that in the end, your son will care more that you're there for him than he will about any dumb old present. Don't worry about buying gifts -- on Christmas morning, simply put a bow on your head, sit under the tree, and wait for your children's love.

- Get drunk before shopping
You can quit anytime you want to -- you just don't want to right now.

- Remind people that Hitler probably celebrated Christmas, too
Nobody wants to be affiliated with one of the worst dictators of all time, and will thus overlook the fact that you don't have any gifts for them. Tip: say this only after receiving presents from others.

- Loudly complain that the Christmas crap comes out earlier every year
This will not actually accomplish anything, but will cause your fellow shoppers to agree and say that it's a shame.

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: