Keeping Your Job: What Can YOU Do?
Unemployment in the United States is rising fast, with some estimates claiming that it could rise as high as 105% in a few months, meaning that some people will need to get two jobs to get back to being counted as employed.
Here's an idea, though: if you didn't suck so much at your job -- or, more importantly, if you could somehow fool people into thinking that you didn't -- maybe you'd be one of the last to go. With this in mind, here are a few items to get you started.
- Get promoted, then lay former boss off
The Japanese call this ancient move "the old switcheroo", but in any language (i.e., English), it means the student has become the teacher. Bonus tip: when asked by your boss why you want his job, do not say "I am going to lay you off."
- Fix economy
The root of the poor job market lies in the ailing U.S. economy. Fix this, and you should be able to keep your job. Try making some graphs, then sending them to President Obama.
- Take enormous crap on boss' desk
Okay, this would be HILARIOUS, dude. You have to do that. Who cares about your job? You're going to get let go anyway. Plus, have you heard about all these companies laying people off? That leaves literally thousands of open positions for you to waltz into, so finding something new ought to be a snap.
- Get new haircut and smile more
These seemingly meaningless actions will actually show people that you care about your hair and are happy, two vital ingredients for success in today's business world.
- Realize that you are rich
Do you have any Swiss bank accounts or large inheritances you may have forgotten about? Chances are, you do, and you don't even need to work any more. Hint: be sure to check in your closet and in your backyard.
- Murder hobo before work and wear his skin like a mask
Think your boss might fire you for this? Think again: it's against the law to fire somebody with a mental illness. Bonus: substitute an employee at a rival company for the hobo, and you may get special recognition from your boss for thinking outside the box.
- Start own business called "Good Ideas, Inc."
People pay lots of money for good ideas -- it's about time you get into that business and start raking in the dough. Caution: do not lay yourself off.
- Tell boss, "You're certainly looking stupid today"
Nobody likes a yes-man, but everyone appreciates a straight shooter. Telling it like it is will not only save your job, but will likely land you a promotion, too. Note: if your boss does not look stupid, focus on their appallingly ugly face or troubled family life.
- Strictly follow advice of arbitrary article online
Sure, the authors of the article you found while you should be working don't know you, your company, or your boss, and have suspicious-sounding qualifications like "career coach" or "life guide", but they have an article online, so they must be doing something right. Who said "you can't believe everything you read"? Exactly -- nobody knows, so obviously that person didn't hang on to their job in the end.
- Realize you're going to get paid anyway
Did you know that you can collect checks just for being laid off? If anything, you need to find a way to get out of your work obligation faster. Try leaking word to the stock market that your company is actually called "Mortgage-Backed Securities LLC", or "Hitler Bonanza, Inc."