Avoiding Kidnappers: What Can YOU Do?
Parents across the nation have become increasingly troubled in recent weeks, as reports of kidnappings of young children seem to pour in at exponentially faster speeds. Fortunately, there are a few things you can tell your child to keep him or her safe, and the Enduring Vision is proud to bring them to you right now.
Tell your child:
- Never, ever accept candy from anyone
Seemingly nice people offering your child candy are actually dangerous strangers. Teach your son or daughter to violently attack anyone offering him or her candy -- even teachers or peers.
- Avoid scary looking men
Usually, kidnappers will have long scars on their faces, and will probably be missing at least two teeth. Tell your child that if he or she is approached by a nice looking man or woman, things are usually okay.
- You're banned from everything
In this day and age, everything can result in a potential kidnapping. Make sure your child never leaves the house for any reason at all. If your child is sick, attempt to treat him or her at home, because a kidnapping could occur on the way to the doctor's. The doctor himself could even be a kidnapper.
- The doctor is a kidnapper
Even kindly old pediatricians can be cold-hearted perverts underneath. Never take your child to a doctor.
- Lock all 17 locks on the door
Kidnappers possess the ability to easily defeat the locks on your home if you have any less than 15 of them. Using at least 17 will decrease the chances of your child being kidnapped.
- If a priest approaches you, bite him
Priests have been proven to be pedophiles, and so becoming kidnappers would be a natural progression for them. Teach your child to bite any approaching priests as hard as possible.
- Carry this gun to school from now on
Even though they can seem unstoppable, kidnappers are affected by bullets. By arming your child with a firearm, you'll be taking a positive step in scaring away any would-be kidnappers.
- Your friends could be kidnappers
Kidnappers can shrink themselves in size and appear to be many years younger than they actually are. Caution your child that any friends he or she has may be kidnappers, and discourage forming friendships whenever possible.
- If you're bad, the kidnapper will come after you
This may not be true, but it's a good, safe way to stop your son or daughter from misbehaving.
- Watch Home Alone
The hilarious high jinks of little Kevin McCallister will show your child how easy and fun it is to thwart robbers/kidnappers if you were to ever mistakenly leave your son or daughter at home while you went on vacation.
- Stand still while I place you in this electromagnetic field
Your child cannot be kidnapped if he or she is contained in a force field. This is generally considered to be the most foolproof method of kidnapping prevention.