Protecting Your Kids From Their Dangerous Father: What Can YOU Do?
The sudden surge of children being abused or murdered by the fathers of separated families has people across the nation concerned for the safety of their little ones. And since technically, we are all somebody's children, we are all at risk of being attacked by our insane, vengeful fathers -- even from beyond the grave!
With these facts considered, we've gathered up some top recommendations for women on how to keep you and your children safe from Dad.
- Return children to the womb
Your womb is the safest place to hide your children, unless your husband or ex-husband kicks you in the stomach. He will become confused and flustered when he enters your house and cannot find the kids to take with him -- probably in order to kill them -- and will quickly give up and leave you in peace. Bonus: your children once spent nine months in your womb, so they will most likely love to spend a couple of hours in such a familiar place.
- Watch cable news around the clock
Only the power of breathless 24/7 news reporting can give you the knowledge you'll need to keep your children safe from all threats, including their father. You'll also learn why you should not feed them yogurt, and why President Barack Hussein Obama may want to enslave them to build a statue of Stalin.
- Kill children
The only way to guarantee that your children will not be drugged, stabbed and killed by their father is if you murder them first. You may try and smother them with love, but if this doesn't work, a pillow may be substituted.
- Train children to kill father first
You and your kids will have the last laugh when they preemptively eliminate their father before he ever has a chance to harm them. Encourage them to play violent video games and listen to rap music, and in no time, they will have a lust for blood. Note: your children will not go to jail for killing their father under our nation's eventual self-defense laws.
- Marry a woman
Another female is far less likely to kill your kids -- natural or adopted -- even if you divorce her and deny her custody. She is also far more likely to remember their birthdays, be more emotionally available, and not force them into playing travel league baseball. Warning: gay marriage is a sin and is not legal in most states.
- Give kids a beeper to keep tabs on them
In the 90s, beepers caused innocent kids to become drug dealers; now, they're a valuable tool to use every five minutes to make sure that all is well. Bonus tip: if you do not receive an answer within 40 seconds of beeping your child, call the police and the fire department and an ambulance.
- Take murderous husband or ex-husband to a psychiatrist
If the father of your children is acting erratic (i.e., looking angry at any point in time) a psychiatrist may be able to quickly cure his uncontrollable rage and chemical imbalance. Tenderly suggest that he go see a head doctor immediately to get the professional help he needs to be a functional, normal human being, and he will thank you.
- Set up Father's Day activities for children's father, then shoot him in knee cap
One round to the patella will put your husband or ex-husband in no mood to take the kids camping, boating, or any number of other activities that may be the future crime scene of a murder-suicide. Shoot him once in the knee as he walks in the front door, yelling "Happy Father's Day!" while you do so to mask the sound of the gunshot and prevent the children from becoming upset.
- Watch "Sleeping With The Enemy"
This Julia Roberts classic will show you that to escape a violent husband, you need only to fake the deaths of you and your children, and move to an idyllic America-loving small town. Warning: your husband may still find you and/or attempt to kill your mother.
- Record family album, "Loving Father & The Gang Do The Hits"
Has the father in any family band ever gone crazy and killed his family members/bandmates? Exactly.