Protecting Your Identity: What Can YOU Do?

Identity theft has been a problem for humanity ever since people ran out of names and had to resort to using the same ones over again, but in today's electronic age of electronics, it's easier than ever to get ahold of sensitive information about someone's identity. Recently, 26 million veterans found this out the hard way, when a hard drive containing their social security numbers was stolen from the Department of Veterans Affairs. But where did the veterans go wrong? Read and learn from their mistakes.

- Destroy credit rating
The first thing you worry about when your identity is stolen is the thief opening up credit accounts in your name, but he or she won't be able to do that if you've already gotten to your credit first. Sign up for and use at least 12 credit cards, three loans, and a mortgage, quit your job, and watch the bad credit roll in.

- Have several "back-up" identities
In today's world, having one name and persona just isn't enough anymore. Consider registering for various things as three or more different people in a variety of genders and ethnicities. It's easy to come up with clever new names, like "Joshetta" instead of "Josh". Bonus: if you are unsure of how to gain additional identities, steal them.

- Never do anything ever again
Your identity is constantly being tracked all over the place, but this is easy to avoid if you become a shut-in. Gradually wean your body off of eating, and soon you'll be on your way to a blissful existence of living off the grid and counting the grains of plaster on the wall.

- Wear shirt with social security number printed on front
Face it: identity thieves have won. They're just too powerful. Instead of wasting time worrying about the inevitable, take it like a man and get it over with.

- Peel off face
Most experts agree that your identity is primarily contained within your face. Without one, you'll lack a key element needed by identity thieves to take hold of your life. Caution: not advisable in the presence of Nicholas Cage.

- Become nun
Just like Whoopi Goldberg, you'll quickly learn that becoming a nun is easily the best and most practical solution to all your identity-related troubles. Bonus: watch for opportunities to make clever puns involving the word "habit".

- Watch your freaking back, man
Identity thieves are everywhere, but they're not going to get you, damnit, even if it means staying up all night to keep an eye on your garbage, and putting anything you get in the mail through two paper shredders. Don't forget to take the license plate off your car whenever you're through driving it.

- Nail important things to self
With anything that's possibly relevant to your life firmly secured to your person, anyone who wants your identity is going to have to pry it from your cold, dead hand. Extra tip: be sure that the nail penetrates at least a quarter inch into your bone, or strong thieves may be able to simply rip it from your body.

- Watch "The Net"
This sassy Sandra Bullock thriller will entertain you while giving you a very real and serious lesson: the Internet is out there, and sooner or later, it will get you too.

- Work for Department of Veterans Affairs
Apparently this is an organization that does not worry about identity theft. Join them and adopt their carefree attitude towards life. Bonus: many other government branches may share similar philosophies. Try them all!

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