Reviving The Economy: What Can YOU Do?
Buyer confidence is at an all-time low, the Christmas season was a dud, and people are having trouble affording the huge boxes of Nerds and cases of Diet Coke that they require for sustenance. There's no two ways about it: the outlook for the economy is growing bleaker by the day.
Now, the time has come for each of us to take up the fight. In that spirit, we bring you some suggestions for ways that you can bring an erection to our flaccid economy:
- Get job
An oft-overlooked component of the economy is that most people -- if not everyone -- should have at least one job. If you do not have a job at this time, The Enduring Vision recommends that you get one. Bonus tip: having a job will give you money, which you can use to purchase things that you might like (i.e., a huge box of Nerds).
- Have perpetual Christmas until businesses profit from shopping season
Who says the 2008 Christmas shopping season has to be over in 2008? Only people who want America to fail. For the rest of us patriots, waiting until Black Friday '09 to do your Christmas shopping is not good enough. Instead, think of today as "Black Today", and tomorrow as "Black Tomorrow".
- End charities once and for all
Charities, the hidden cause of most U.S. recessions, eat up valuable resources that could be used to restore consumer confidence, boost manufacturing, and provide menial clerk and food service jobs to spotty teenagers everywhere. By eliminating the portion of your budget given to charities and other bleeding-heart causes, your income will be properly distributed to the areas of the economy that need it most, such as taxing entities and manufacturers of widgets.
- Spend savings on Obama campaign memorabilia
Think of your new Obama curtains or Obama brake pads as savings bonds that you can use to decorate your home and car! Besides, Antique Roadshow has predicted a substantial increase in the value of rare "Yes We Can" t-shirts and Obama/Biden bumper stickers -- you may be already sitting on a goldmine!
- Recession? More like "Success-ion"
The more you deny that we are in a recession, and are in fact in a success-ion (a state in which everyone has great success), the more you will instill those around you with confidence in a verdant and strong marketplace. The economy will recover once enough of your friends, family and co-workers believe that recessions are only for whiners.
- Listen to Bachman Turner Overdrive hit "Taking Care of Business"
Playing this classic 1973 chart-topper at full blast will inspire you and anyone in earshot to, in fact, take care of business (i.e., fix the economy and become rich).
- Start own economy in backyard
Print out your own money, stocks for fictional companies, and a few T-bills, and you'll have your very own economy. In time, it will become as successful as the U.S. economy used to be, and everything will be back to normal. Caution: do not print out your own mortgage-backed securities.
- Become coke-snorting Wall Street stockbroker
Stockbrokers always seem to have enough money to spend freely on Columbian cocaine, lunch at five-star restaurants and champagne slurped off the breasts of a $1,000-an-hour hooker. By becoming one of these people, you will become rich, and can then spend the economy back to good health in as few as one or two all-night benders at The Grand.
- Loudly tell people that "they should give that bailout money to US!"
Okay, where would the bailout money do more good: a) in the hands of some investment banker jerk who did this in the first place, or b) in the jeans pockets of regular 'mericans? The answer should be obvious to anyone who is not an egghead asshole.