Super Bowl Results: What Can YOU Do?
The 39th Super Bowl ended with victory for one team and defeat for another, as sports games occasionally do. But how does a fan of the winning team best celebrate the occasion? And how can those who identify with the losers quickly put the loss behind them? The EV has some ideas.
Patriots Fans (winners):
- Don't get cocky
The Patriots have won three out of four past Super Bowls -- still a low enough number to be sheer luck. Wait until at least seven or eight wins before celebrating.
- Exclaim, "We won!"
You did a lot to help the team on their path to glory, and now's your chance to celebrate. Consider calling the quarterback and reminding him of your contributions, such as drinking ten beers during a playoff game or looking meanly at that one Eagles fan.
- Hate Patriots
This team has nowhere to go but down now, which means they're a sinking ship. Dump these has-beens before it's too late.
- Carve Patriots emblem into chest
These guys have made a lot of sacrifices for the win, and the least you could do to commemorate the occasion is endure a little pain and blood. Bonus tip: buy a Patriots jersey and put it on, then trace around the emblem with your knife for the most accurate picture.
- Burn face on stove
Sometimes you're so excited, you don't know what to do. This is a good solution.
Eagles Fans (losers):
- Construct "Tried Your Best Bowl" award and present to team
The Eagles will be relieved to see they won an award after all, and homemade gifts are always more thoughtful than cold, sterile official trophies. Bonus tip: consider using mixing bowl for "Bowl" part and smiley faces and glitter for "Tried Your Best" part.
- Loudly tell everyone for the next five weeks that even you could've done a better job
Despite years of athletic training, the coach/quarterback/runningback/offensive coordinator just didn't do as good a job as you could have. Cite snap decisions you made from your couch minutes after the play was already over as proof of your superiority to the paid professionals.
- Quickly move to New England
If you're fast enough, you can pretend you were a fan the whole time, and let the victory soak in. Caution: do not wear your Eagles jersey or bring cheese steak on your trip.
- Make clever parody slogan, "Fry, Eagles, fry"
This nice joke will alleviate the stress of you and your fellow fans. Caution: do not use slogan around sensitive people of Japanese descent.
- Damage brain until the Eagles won after all
If you remember it that way, it's true to you! Consider not-quite-lethal doses of carbon monoxide or prolonged exposure to VH1.