Supporting The War: What Can YOU Do?

At a time when many Americans across the country are demonstrating against the war, it may be difficult for someone who happens to support the invasion of Iraq to come up with ideas on how to express their sentiments. Luckily, the Enduring Vision has compiled a list of ways to effectively and intelligently make your opinion known.

- Inform war protesters that they are "unpatriotic"
By choosing to protest the United States attacking a country without the support of the United Nations and most of the world, these misguided citizens are clearly demonstrating that they hate America. Telling them as such may change their minds, and will also make you look even more patriotic in the process.

- Boycott all English words having French origins
Some will try to tell you that renaming French Fries "Freedom Fries" is enough, but what these people don't realize is that hundreds of words in our language have French roots. Seek out these words and use acceptable substitutes, such as "Freedom House" instead of "mansion" and "Christianity" instead of "religion".

- Boycott all English words having any foreign origins
This goes along with our President's philosophy of a "pre-emptive strike"; by boycotting words coming from nations who have not yet expressed anti-war sentiments, you can send them a message that they better not start anytime soon.

- Visit Baghdad wearing American flag shirt
Though you may have some Americans convinced of your feelings, there may be many Iraqis who believe that you are their friend. Seeing the good old Stars and Stripes on your shirt will remind them that you are not, at least until they accept and embrace all aspects of American culture, which they will do instantly upon seeing your shirt.

- Wear clever anti-Saddam shirt
Shirts sporting catchy sayings like "See Ya, Saddam!" are light-hearted and fun, but also carry a serious message.

- Make sure your children are expecting an attack at any time
If you have kids, it is important for them to be aware of your beliefs. Reserve at least two hours a night to explain why we are at war, and that at any moment, the Iraqis will likely fly more planes into our skyscrapers, houses, and loved ones.

- Explain that without the war, our President would be Saddam Hussein
If the United States had not gone to war with Iraq, Saddam Hussein would've conquered the country, and, soon after, the world, putting all people into slavery with the exception of the thousands of clones comprising his fearsome clone army.

- Attend pro-war rally with satirical "Bush is an Imperialist" banner
Sometimes, satire can be a more effective way of communicating your beliefs than merely stating them. Your fellow pro-war protesters will have a good laugh at your razor-sharp wit.

- Construct bumper sticker that reads "I remember Vietnam"
By reminding fellow drivers that you remember a previous war, you'll be clearly insinuating that you are in support of this new one.

- Urinate on anti-war protesters
That will teach those fucking hippies.

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: