Surviving The Holidays: What Can YOU Do?
The holidays can be a potentially great time -- if you know how to play your cards. If you're not careful, though, family faux pas, gift-giving disasters, and freak radiation accidents can ruin your Christmas. That's why The Enduring Vision has tips to keep you safe and happy this holiday season. Use them!
- Spend a minimum of $2300 per gift
You may have heard the old addage, "It's the thought that counts," but this is a lie. Your thriftiness will be spotted instantaneously by friends and loved ones, alienating you forever. If you don't have the budget for this, get more credit cards.
- Increase alcoholic content in eggnog
Everybody will be a lot happier once they are inebriated. Consider adding additional cinnamon to mask the increased alcohol.
- Wear silly flashing Santa pin
No matter how sad they may be, talking to someone with your incessantly flashing red pin beaming in their face will remind them that the holidays are a time for wacky, silly fun! Reindeer pins are also acceptable, though Charles Manson pins are frowned upon.
- Rent A Christmas Story for family to watch
This little-seen holiday classic will brighten everyone's day, and give them a laugh or two along the way!
- Explain to children that Santa Claus cannot possibly be real
These days, kids are far too worried that their misdeeds will result in coal under the tree, a myth that causes them too much stress during the holidays. Remind them that Santa Claus is a lie told to them by their parents, and that almost any behaviour during the year will still result in presents.
- Entertain family with "Christmas Rap"
Your relatives will be impressed out of your hip rendition of a classic holiday. Be sure to include Santa Claus, bitches, and the projects in your rap.
- Destroy presents during the night
In the morning, everyone will be reminded of the true meaning of Christmas: love and togetherness, not stupid material things.
- Exclaim, "This shopping has left me in a holi-daze!"
Your clever play on words will show everyone that shopping can be stressful, but that you should take it in stride and make jokes of it, not grab that one woman because of the stress, not because you wanted to harass her, but she totally takes it the wrong way, and you spend Christmas Day in the cooler.
- Fill stockings with vomit
There's always appreciation to be had for a good prankster, even on Christmas. If you cannot bring yourself to vomit, consider urine or chewed-up food.
- Replace Christmas tree with gigantic baby Jesus
This will remind everyone what Christmas is all about: putting presents under Jesus' ass.