Surviving A Hurricane: What Can YOU Do?
As Hurricane Ivan approaches Florida, many in the region are undoubtedly wondering how they can possibly weather yet another hurricane. But little do they know that surviving the high winds and torrential rains a hurricane can bring is actually no more difficult than stomaching that horrible pun that I just made! Let's find out what these poor folks can do to stay comfortable.
- Draw mean pictures of hurricane, then hang pictures out for it to see
Once Ivan gets a load of your rendition of him, buck teeth and all, he'll realize that he's messing with someone dangerous. Note: be careful not to make the picture too mean, or else the hurricane may become enraged, and increase its power.
- Quickly run around the hurricane the opposite way that it is spinning
If you're fast enough, you'll be able to slow down -- or even completely stop -- the hurricane by canceling out its winds with your own. Note: people who are tremendously fast runners should not try this, as they may inadvertently start their own hurricanes.
- Throw rocks at hurricane's eye
Hurricanes may not have arms and legs like you and I to hit, but they do have one thing in common with us: an eye. Hit that, and you'll blind the nasty weather, making it hard for it to see anything.
- Stand completely still, because their vision is based on movement
A hurricane won't hit what it can't see, and if you're absolutely still, you could be part of that category. Be sure to remain still and calm even as the winds exceed 150 miles per hour.
- Place hands over ears whenever hurricane is mentioned
This is an old yet valuable trick of physics: if you can't hear or see something, it can't hurt you. Also consider loudly saying "la la la, I'm not listening" if you can still hear the news of the hurricane through your hands.
- Become morbidly obese
A hurricane can only lift so much weight. Put on several hundred pounds before it hits, plant yourself down on the couch, and watch as the skinny suckers around you have to flee or die.
- Watch "Twister"
This highly intellectual movie about people following hurricanes (or tornados, or whatever) across the country in order to throw a bucket of electronic balls into the middle of them will teach you an important lesson in hurricane survival: if one is approaching you, simply grab on to a pipe in the ground and hold on tight. Your bones will hold you, even as cows weighing several times more than you are tossed around like matchbox cars.
- Freaking leave Florida already
Seriously, you have to deal with this pretty much every year, not to mention the fact that the summer months are hot enough to be unlivable. Why are you still in Florida?
- Begin crying
This may cause the hurricane to feel bad for you, and stop picking on you and pushing you around.
- Seriously, why haven't you left Florida yet?
As if the hurricane weren't enough to drive you out, have you considered the hordes of shuffling retirees that you have to deal with? There are 49 other states, you know!