Thwarting Terrorism: What Can YOU Do?
Our government is doing the best they can for us in this war against terrorism -- beefing up airport security, bombing Afghanistan -- things that make us feel safer and better. But you may not have realized that there are some steps that you can take to further ensure the safety and quality of life of you, your family and friends, and even your country.
- Tell people the US has captured Osama bin Laden
Though it may not be true at the time that you tell them, the important thing is, people will feel much more secure with the infamous criminal mastermind behind bars.
- Commit acts of terrorism, but warn everyone first
After being completely surprised by the terrorist acts on September 11, people will greatly appreciate a terrorist attack that they know about in advance.
- Help economy by going into deep debt with extravagant purchases
There's nothing more reassuring than a stable country, and you can do your part by maxing out your credit cards on items you could never have afforded before the attacks.
- Put on puppet show involving bin Laden, Bush, and terrorism
By joking lightly about this difficult situation, you'll be sure to set the minds of everyone at ease.
- Make ominous warnings about future attacks
This operates on the principal that someone can get so scared that they reach a point of numbness, where they have no fear at all.
- Encourage and assist in suicides of friends and coworkers
People can't worry about things when they're dead. Put up posters and give out silly stickers informing people how fun and helpful suicide can be.
- Explain that whole incident is elaborate hoax
When you tell people that the United States wasn't really attacked, they'll feel better in no time.
- Shout "Oh God, I've got smallpox!" in crowded area
People will feel better when they see that although you are sick, they are still nice and healthy.
- Wear t-shirt that features bin Laden's head inside of love heart
Everyone who sees you in this sarcastic shirt will laugh, and will feel better in this tough time.
- Complain that news coverage is interfering with your TV shows
Take people's minds off the incident by cleverly changing the subject.