Visiting Family Over The Holidays: What Can YOU Do?

Christmas is a time for families. Sons and daughters from all over the country will be coming home to celebrate with Mom and Dad, exchange presents and smile at each other a lot. But what happens when there comes a lull in conversation? When you’ve said everything that could possibly be said about this year’s eggnog? Fret not – continuing our series on holiday advice, the EV has some very simple suggestions for making Christmas at Mom and Dad’s as tolerable and festive as possible.

For College Students:

- Gratuitously express overtly liberal views
Come home and share with Mom and Dad all the great liberal philosophy you picked up from pro-abortion professors, tattoo artists, and your roommate’s art school girlfriend. Make sure to convince your life-long Republican-voting Dad why he should vote for the Green Party in the next election.

- Make sure your hair hasn’t been cut since Labor Day
Sport your new hip sideburns and shaggy hair with confidence. It will prove to Mom and Dad that they raised an independent minded and self-reliant child.

- Refuse to go to church on Christmas Eve
Remember, you have become an atheist since starting college, so assert your right to remain free of all that religious crap. Quote Nietzsche often. Note: if you are still religious, you are likely not actually attending college at all, and have mistakenly been taking classes at a church all this time.

- Share pictures of fun college times
Parents enjoy seeing what you've been up to at college -- it lets them know you're not hitting the books too hard, and reminds them of their own alma mater days. Tip: don’t leave anything out, such as that one of you naked on the bathroom floor or that awesome one of vomit actually escaping your mouth.

- Comment, "I notice you and Dad are looking a lot older."
Adults enjoy hearing how mature they are, so this comment is a guaranteed way to start the holidays off right. Also consider commenting on the fact that your father has less hair than ever.

For Adults:

- Constantly complain about kids
Your Mom and Dad have no idea what it’s like to raise children, so be sure to fill them in.

- Have at least one awkward sexual moment
This will inevitably happen, so you might as well plan for it and get it over with. Tip: if your parents complain, counter with the fact that you accidentally saw them having sex when you were five, so that you’re doing it on their sofa shouldn’t come as a big surprise.

- Bring plenty of work from the office
If there's one thing most parents hate, it's standing in the way of important paperwork on the holidays. Be sure to bring it to the dinner table in order to make sure your folks don't feel as if they're imposing.

- Bring movie, "Santa Claus And His Sexual Elves"
Adults love Christmas specials just as much as the kids, as long as they have a little edge to them. A little porno edge. Your parents will appreciate your thoughtfulness as well as your open-mindedness towards three-one-on dwarf sex.

- Kill self
Let's face it: your parents have always resented you for being more successful than they ever were, and a freaking holiday isn't going to change that. It's time to end it.

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: