Cancer Linked To Cancer-Causing Habits
An astonishing new medical study published today presents what is arguably the strongest evidence yet that many forms of cancer in humans are caused by "activities which cause cancer."
Dr. Melonie Thorpe, one of the foremost researchers in the study, spoke to the press today concerning the findings.
"Our report may shock many Americans, but the results speak for themselves," she said firmly. "Based on our research, we can say that cancer-causing activities, such as smoking cigarettes or not eating healthily, have a good chance of causing cancer in many individuals."
In response to many gasps of surprise and some of contradiction from the reporters, Thorpe hastily added that the findings cannot account for all types of cancer, and are still under "investigation" by peers and official government sources alike.
"We do not know what causes all types of cancer, and we do not know all of the things that can cause cancer," she admitted. "Perhaps a future Fox News Special will uncover other potential cancer-causing agents, such as the walls of your home or your dog's saliva. But until then, we do suspect that there is a direct correlation between cancer-causing activities and cancer."
The research, which has been active for over thirty years, monitored the cancer status of over 50 different test subjects as they performed a number of different cancer-causing activities.
"One test subject smoked over four packs of cigarettes a day, since they contain a very prominent Surgeon General's warning that they contain cancer-causing agents," Thorpe said. "Another individual consumed over three pounds of meat a day in order to determine whether or not red meat, a colon-cancer-causing food in high amounts, would give him cancer. Out of our 50 test subjects who performed these types of activities or variants thereof, 40 eventually got cancer."
Some critics assert that Thorpe's team cannot be certain that these activities are what gave the subjects cancer, as their lifestyles could not be completely controlled, thus making other variables present. Thorpe admits that such claims may have "some merit".
"There could be some factors we are not accounting for," she said. "For example, sitting on the couch for a certain amount of time may cause more cancer than the cancer-causing activities our subjects indulged in. We may never know. But certainly, the high correlation between our subject's activities and their cancer cannot be denied."
But are Americans ready to shift their lifestyles in light of this new research? The Enduring Vision sent out our various national correspondents to find out.
"Cut my red meat intake to prevent colon cancer? I don't think so!" snorted one Iowa man. "I'm a carnivore, god damnit, and if that makes me a candidate for cancer, well then cancer me up."
"The way I see it, if am immobile and don't exercise, the cancer will have more difficulty finding me," a Florida woman of over 400 pounds reasoned. "After all, the airborne spores which cause cancer would tend to stick more to people running around all over the damn place."
"I know cigarettes can cause cancer, but taking them out of my life is just too big a change for me," admitted a Boston man. "They give me so much -- a hacking cough in the morning, yellowed fingertips and teeth, an offensive smell, and an expedited aging rate. In light of this, I consider cancer to be an acceptable trade."