Anorexic Realizes She Just Has To Eat
Quakertown, PA resident Jasmine Strotz, a 22 year-old who has been struggling with the eating disorder anorexia for three years now, was relieved to hear, during a class discussion at the college she attends, that all she has to do is eat and her disease will be cured.
"For years, I've wondered, 'How can I stop this?'" she said in an exclusive interview. "I thought and thought, but I just couldn't figure it out. It was the hardest problem I had ever faced."
When the problem first surfaced, Strotz was reluctant to go to a doctor, believing she could fix matters herself.
"I tried some home remedies, like trying to pack clay onto my body in hopes that it would absorb into my skin and become weight," she explained. "I also tried sleeping with the food, as well as looking at pictures of food. But still I remained hungry!"
Finally, Strotz saw her physician, who unfortunately was no help.
"Basically, she was baffled," Strotz said. "She banged on my knees with her little hammer, she looked in my ears -- the works. She even called in a bunch of specialists, like a podiatrist and a chiropractor, just to make sure the problem wasn't coming from some random body part. But nobody could tell why I was losing weight."
But just when things looked their bleakest, Strotz finally received a solution in the form of Carlton Hicks, a peer in her Current Events class.
"We actually got to talking about eating disorders in America, and Carlton says, 'God, some people! Eat some food, you freaks, and stop complaining!' And that's when it hit me: I just had to eat. It was staring me in the face the whole time!"
Jumping up, Strotz ran out of the class to the Dining Hall, where she cautiously ate a leg of chicken.
"Part of me wasn't really expecting it to work at all," she confessed. "I mean, eating food to gain weight -- it almost sounds like something you'd see on a Seinfeld rerun or something!"
But sure enough, after a few days of continued eating, Strotz was amazed to discover her body weight steadily rising.
"Thank God for Carlton," she said passionately. "That man is the genius of our times."
Indeed, Hicks is already being offered jobs at numerous pharmaceutical companies around the country, with a representative from Merck calling him "the best thing since the guy who invented penicillin."
"Mr. Hicks is setting a remarkable new trend in modern medicine: making everyone realize that they have to stop being babies, and just get better," the spokesman said. "Somehow, this amazing 20 year-old has managed to figure out the solutions to conditions that previously were thought to be rooted in deep psychological problems, or serious chemical imbalances in the brain, or some stupid bullshit like that."
From his office, where he had just gotten done advising a depressed woman to "cheer the fuck up" and prescribing a man with erectile dysfunction "10 hours of porno", Carlton remained modest in spite of the praise.
"All I'm saying is, I don't want to hear about how eating makes you feel physically ill, or how you sometimes feel like starting fires for no reason, or how you've been having intense intestinal pain," he said. "Eat, stop being weird, and take some aspirin. It's pretty simple."