Evian Flu Not As Deadly As Perrier, Crystal Geyser Pandemics
With thousands of rich people falling ill to the ungodly, gaseous effects of dangerously distilled bottles of water, authorities are looking to Evian Distributing, Inc., as the main source of what is now being called the Evian Flu. But a new study put out by that company claims that other popular water-bottlers are equally guilty of allowing uncircumcised plankton and miniature shrimp to pass through their imported tap water filtering systems.
"Everyone knows bottled water is the same as facet water," Evian owner Aaron Webb scoffs. "But people still like paying a small fortune for the pretty pink bottles we produce."
The rash of people complaining of slight abdominal pain and snobbish attitudes may grow, say leading health experts, fueling fears of a worldwide epidemic if the flu becomes transmittable from human to human -- it currently can only flow from bottle to human.
"If whatever is in this water -- crustaceans, floating nuclear waste, what have you -- mutates just a bit, and the planets align in a certain way, and the Sword of Mantock is pulled from the Stone of Hyperbole at exactly the right time, we're looking at a death toll of over 79 billion people," warned Center for Disease Control and prevention (CDC; they left the P out of it for some reason) spokesman John Streiker. "This means that everyone currently on the planet will actually die over 11 times."
Health officials charge that the "mountain spring" water is full of dangerous contaminants as it flows not only down the rocky peaks, but also into a small inner-city at the base of the mountains, through the projects where gaggles of unkempt out-of-schoolers conduct daily pissing contests, and trickles out a corrugated PVC pipe, where it's captured in trademark plastic bottles by low-wage Mexican workers. Webb vehemently denies that this happens.
"It's obvious that's a ridiculously inaccurate paradigm," Webb mocks. "I mean, how do you account for the shrimp, huh?" He pauses, pushing an Evian bottle aside. "Crustaceans could never survive that journey."
Webb also said he personally feels that a little bit of protein in your water doesn't have to necessarily be a "bad" thing and humans are meant to be carnivores or they wouldn't have pointy teeth.
Sara Christensen, a Lexus owner, couldn't fucking believe it when she spied a baby seahorse zipping around the contents of her $4.59 bottle of Evian.
"I was like, what in the hell?" she recalls, admitting that she drank some of it anyway. "But then I thought he was sooooo cute. I just couldn't let him go out like that." She points to the small round bowl by her TV. "Archie really likes it here."
Evian recently signed a multi-billion dollar deal with Monsanto Pharmaceuticals to add enough fluoride to its water to kill 88% of the helpful white blood cells in kids' bodies, but it still refuses to lower the cost of hydration.
"What the hell would we do that for, you little idiot?" Webb queries. "Yeah, so a few whiny babies end up in the ER, but our water also kills the germs lining the lower intestines of late-night fast-food bingers. Really scrapes the scum out of the old pipes, if you get my drift," he chuckles, looking around. "Give-and-take, see? Give and goddamn take."
Webb also claims that dysentery isn't really that big of a deal: "So you lose a few pounds -- who cares? True, we're a major seller among people with low grade eating disorders. But we also offer a healthy alternative to constipated old people who need fiber supplementation."
He offers a capful of the liquid. "It's good for what ails ya!"
Based on Webb's claims, the CDC is now looking into the possibility of using Evian water as a vaccine for various flues, including the upcoming avian flu and the current Evian flu.