Medical Community To Include Treatment For Demons, Devils

The New England Journal of Medicine has, in light of the evolution debate currently being waged in Kansas and Pennsylvania schools, has recommended that doctors include mention of unknown spirits and malign forces in prescriptions for treatments of illnesses that may yet be too "complex" to fully understand.

Citing half-baked theories and experimental treatments of some illnesses, the respected journal has now taken the stance that some infirmaries may indeed be caused by evil spirits when no known cure can be proven effective.

"There are just too many questions to assume that medical science will answer all of them," said Dr. Stan Rosenthal, oncologist for Northwestern University Hospitals. "That is why on each prescription, I include a disclaimer stating 'Western Medicine Is Only A Theory, And Should Not Be Perceived As A Challenge To Traditional Ways Of Thinking. You May, In Fact, Be Possessed By Demons'."

Rosenthal believes that the lack of a cure for diseases like cancer, AIDS, and Gwen Stefani's solo career prove that the human body and natural forces of the world are too complex to explain in a purely empirical format, and that the traditional form of treating diseases with exorcisms, superstition and black magic is important to give patients exposure to all possibilities.

Opponents of the disclaimer have stated that such a warning is a violation of the separation of Church and Everything Else. That Spirituality may be involved in the recovery of an ill patient, they say, is proselytism under the guise of medicine.

"It is very important that spirituality be kept out of modern medicine, lest someone fall under the belief that God actually exists," stated Geoffery Bumble, lawyer for the Doctors Without Orders organization. "Demon possession is something that is taught in the home, under the guidance of Mom and Dad, or in the church of your choice, not in the ER."

Despite the vitriol of opponents, a large contingent of the medical community feels very strongly that ancient and astrological practices and remedies have their place in treating inflammations and imperfections that cannot be cured by advances in the modern technique.

"Have we been able to get to the root cause of autism or Down syndrome?" asked Betty Goldberg of the Harvard Public Health Review. "The answer is 'no', and until we do, which may very well never happen, there is no better way to treat the problem than has been done for centuries: blame the afflicted for some great unknown sin in their current or past lives, and banish them for life to bell towers and asylums."

The practice of publicly shaming the mentally retarded and disabled and exiling them from the community has become something of a novelty in the medical community – a seldom employed practice in dealing with the problem, much like the use of leeches or ether. However, some are beginning to rethink the current philosophy and, instead of relying on genetic research, or asking Mom to lay off the bottle during the first five months of pregnancy, are positing that any illness or deformation is somehow the patient's own fault.

"I thought that it was cancer when I began receiving sharp pains down in my prostate area," said cancer patient Dale Burnham, "but when the doctor told me that it was more likely that a daemon had taken possession over my body, I knew that he was right and that I had done something terribly wrong to deserve it!"

As Burnham lay prostrate, begging for mercy, he remembered that it was time for his pills. "I know that these aren't going to do a honking thing, and that taking medicine goes against the Bible," he said, "but I'll be damned if my cancer weren't going into remission. Must have been the $30 I put into the offering basket last week."

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