Migraines Related To Dealing With Annoying Shit, Study Says
Despite billions of dollars in research, billions of dollars in drug development, and trillions of dollars in money spent on herbal or marijuana-related cures, scientists still have not explained what causes migraines. That is, until now.
A new study, published in the official journal of the American Academy of Neurology, states that migraine headaches are "strongly correlated" with dealing with annoying shit.
"A person's mother-in-law, for example, illustrates the point perfectly," said Dr. Kenneth Mukamal, lead author of the study and a staff physician at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center. "One's children, assuming they were all mistakes, would also qualify as annoying shit. Our data suggests that each of these things can independently cause blinding migraines."
Mukamal added that the study indicates that "pleasurable shit", such as a pile of money or seeing bad things happen to terrible people, may not cause migraines.
A migraine is a specific type of headache that often begins with a sensation that something is irritating the shit out of you, ultimately ending in the feeling that whatever is annoying you has decided to hammer nails into your skull. Approximately 18 percent of American women and six percent of men -- who are most likely gay or effeminate -- report having migraines. Experts estimate that the cost of migraines to the American economy is about $17 zillion, or 190 quintillion times the national GDP.
"If it were not for people with migraine headaches," said Mukamal, "the American economy would be strong, valiant, and winning the War on Terror. Our study puts us one step closer to this total victory."
However, the study's findings -- which were proven in a double-blind, randomized controlled trial spanning 50 years and involving 50,000 patients -- have been rejected by some skeptical non-believers.
"I think it's more complicated than that," said Dr. Joel Saper, director of the Michigan Head Pain and Neurological Institute in Ann Arbor, Michigan, who was not involved in the study. "I'll be the first to admit that when I'm dealing with patients, I get annoyed. Patients are idiots -- i.e., they don't follow directions, they're fat and loud, I really hate them, and so on. But just because they annoy the shit out of me doesn't mean I'll automatically get a migraine."
He then had to cancel the rest of the interview due to a massive headache.
Many normal, uneducated Americans suffering from migraines were surprised by the study's findings. Said Rachel Silberstein, a local mother of 18 children, "Usually I get [migraines] around that time of the month when I'm unclean. Now I know that it's something annoying that triggers it. I guess I don't need tampons anymore."
Despite the controversy, Mukamal is hopeful that his research will alleviate some of the proverbial headaches that migraines have caused to the American economy.
"Proving that one factor alone is responsible for all of this suffering will allow us to cure it," he said. "All we must do now is neutralize everything that is annoying, by any means necessary."
Mukamal then excused himself to go "see about something" with his wife.