Study: Autism Causes Vaccinations

Pictured: a deadly vaccine.

A new study conducted by the Outraged Citizens Against Scientists and Doctors (OCASD) coalition has found that there is a "clear and disturbing" trend between autism and medical vaccinations, says lead researcher Phoebe Moran.

"We studied a bunch of autistic men and women, and each and every one of them was once vaccinated for something at some point in their lives," said Moran. "The message is obvious: if you have autism, sooner or later, you're going to get a painful vaccination."

The U.S. is still not in complete agreement over what vaccinations actually do. One popular theory endorsed by OCASD suggests that they were initially created in order to give AIDS to African-Americans, but evolved over time to cause trouble and strife for people of all races.

Although it's possible for people without autism to get one or more vaccinations, Moran says that the disease clearly increases one's risk of encountering the "deadly poison needles".

"As if having autism already wasn't bad enough," Moran said, shaking her head sadly. "If only autism was the type of disease that we could prevent -- maybe with some kind of serum that you could drink, or at least get into your bloodstream somehow."

For now, OCASD is encouraging people with autism to be wary of doctors, or anyone dressed in any manner of white clothing.

"These so-called 'scientists' don't want to admit that their time is over," said Moran dismissively. "Now that anyone can write things on the Internet, we can get together and prove that we're smarter than them, because we wrote all that stuff on the Internet. I personally have my very own blog AND FaceBook page."

Using the Internet, Moran and her peers are able to band together and confirm to one another that things they thought of are correct, confounding those who stubbornly stick to performing extensive research and writing things outside of the blogosphere.

One such person is journalist Amy Wallace, who recently wrote an article for Wired Magazine concerning the complete lack of evidence for autism causing vaccination. She received an enormous amount of hate mail for her piece, most of it from OCASD members, who point out that she is a prostitute who probably gets whore vaccines to keep her a whore.

Although the existence of a vaccine that encourages loose morals and easy virtue is still unknown, Moran warns that once a vaccination for anything takes hold, there's no telling how it can affect one's body.

"Smallpox, polio, malaria, measles, rubella -- all of these are terrible diseases that often have the word 'vaccine' following them," explained Moran. "Fortunately, Father Time has eliminated or nearly eliminated all of them, but they could come back if we're not careful."

The OCASD's suggested treatment options for both autism and the recently-vaccinated include asking the sun for its forgiveness, inventing and performing a "disease dance", and chanting "GIT OUT OF MY BODY" repeatedly.

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