Millions Of Americans Die From Not Voting
Though official numbers have not been released, news reports indicate millions of Americans have been found dead following the closing of voting stations all across the country, with nine closed as of 7:30 EST and others to follow within the hour.
"I came out of the shower and found my husband slumped over dead in his dinner," said one woman tearfully. "It was almost as if he was in the midst of eating normally, and then suddenly died at exactly 7:00 PM."
"My wife...it's like she died from not doing something," said one New Jersey man. "Heck if I know what that thing is, though."
While the medical community does still remain skeptical as to the reasons, the most likely cause of death has been attributed to not voting.
"It could have been much worse, but anyone who has a TV and has been following the election and the latest music videos should have known that failing to vote would be catastrophic," said Center for Disease Control and Prevention Chairman Dr. Edward Klaus. "We are very sorry for those who have lost a loved one or friend, but both the medical community and Music Television, otherwise known as MTV, did all we could to make known the consequences of staying home on November 2nd."
Gazing proudly at his diplomas and voter registration card, Klaus also stated, "I mean, if you’re not going to listen to P-Dittle...I mean, Sean P. Holmes, uh… Puff Dragon Daddy -- whatever his name is -- then who are you going to listen to?"
The mention of P. Diddy, alias for rapper Sean Puffy Combs, referred to the public service announcement aired on MTV and narrated by Combs in which the hip hop mogul states "Vote or Die." The producers of the ad had hoped that it would inform all Americans that all one has to do to survive the not-voting scourge is to cast a ballot in time to be tallied and counted.
But although MTV remains wildly popular, many are amazed at the number of citizens who did not heed the message. Other organizations such as VH1 and CMC have asked how more non-voters could have been informed before disaster struck.
"We are petitioning Congress to allocate public funds not only to MTV," said Country Music Station spokeswoman Kierra Fetcher, "but to all the music video and entertainment networks so that important messages like the 'Vote or Die' campaign can be broadcast into nursing homes, schools, churches, and the like. Announcements this important must be delivered to every citizen so that we don’t lose our viewership, ahem… er, loved ones should this kind of devastation strike again."
But some who lost family members or friends to the outbreak have accused MTV of failing to reach out to a more diverse audience.
Henrietta Stevens of Anderson, Indiana, whose husband has been missing since Tuesday night and is presumed dead, said in a statement, "[My husband] Bob had never been into all that rap stuff. Maybe if MTV had gotten someone like Garth Brooks, Shania Twain or even John Mellencamp to inform the public of this calamity, he might still be alive."
Two of Stevens’ sons, Billy and Thomas, 18 and 19, had to be rushed to an area hospital after errors were discovered on their registration cards. The two are listed in critical condition.
It remains to be seen what can be done to stem the tide of the tragedy. No vaccine is available, and medical officials have been ardently encouraging citizens in Mountain and Pacific time-zones who either do not intend or have not registered to vote to go to their local polling places and, at the very least, pretend that the required registration card probably got lost in the mail.
"We strenuously recommend that all citizens over the age of 18 get to a location where voting in the Presidential election is taking place before the polls close down," said a spokesperson for the CDC in a radio message. "Even if you’re not registered, go there as fast as you can and hopefully this creeping death will not notice you and pass you and your family by."
The plague is expected to pass by 11:00 EST and should not affect everyone that will have submitted a properly completed ballot. The scourge is not expected to be contagious to participating voters or citizens of non-democratic nations.