Political News
Although some people believe that anyone can grow up to be a president or archduke, the truth is that almost nobody can be. Politicians are smarter and more sexually able than the rest of the general population. If you were a politician, you'd probably just fuck everything up.
To learn more about recent political things, click any year below.
2010 (new stories appear first)
- MPAA Assigns Obama PG-13 Rating For Adult Themes, Smoking
- Democrats, Republicans Draft Bipartisan Legislation Requiring Both Parties to Disagree on Everything, Always
- God Once Again Fails To Kill Dick Cheney
- Bill Clinton Hospitalized For Erection Lasting More Than Sixteen Years
- Historians Discover That Slave Owners Once Lived In Current Obama Family Home
- Activists Seek To Retard Use Of 'Retarded'
- John Edwards Admits To Fathering Most Of Asia
2009 (listed alphabetically)
- 17-Year-Old On Internet Disproves Obama's Economic Plan; 'I'm Ruined,' Weeps President
- AIG Gives Million Dollar Bonuses To Execs, Tasteful 'Thank You' Card To White House
- Al-Qaeda Flattered By Obama's Anti-Torture Stance
- An Inauguration Of The Inauguration: Special Coverage Of Barack Obama's Inauguration
- Arlen Specter Converts To Islam, Becomes Woman
- Board Certifies Franken's Win; Hamas And Israel Announce Ceasefire
- Conspiracy Theorists Continue To Demand To See Obama's Death Certificate
- Democrats, Republicans Vow To Compromise, Create Ineffectual Healthcare Reform 'That Nobody Likes'
- First Guantanamo Bay Detainee Brought To US; Promptly Escapes And Kills 5,600 In 'Hellish Flames'
- Fox News: Obama 'Not A Real President'
- GOP Head Michael Steele Calls Obama's Speech 'Wiggidy-Whack', Threatens Rap Battle
- Grade Schooler Blames Liberal Bias For Poor Grade On Essay 'Lazy-Fair Economics'
- Hippie Parents Express Disappointment, Frustration At Rebellious Republican Son
- History Instantly Vindicates Bush
- Jersey Governor Surges In Pre-Election Polls In Wake Of 'Cum On Feel The Noize' Campaign
- Latest Obama Cabinet Resignation: Barack Obama
- Obama Administration Moves To Re-Classify 'Jon & Kate Plus Eight' Relationship
- Obama Appoints Spider-Man As Secretary of Defense
- Obama's Name Still Not Added To Many Computer Dictionaries, Spell Checkers
- Obama's Package 'Uncomfortably Large', Complain Some Republicans
- Obama Plans To Simplify Health Care Reform By Allowing Yahoo! Answers To Explain It
- Obama Pledges To End Iraq War By August, 2001
- Obama Proposes 'Obama Bobblehead Doll' Stimulus Package
- Obama Quits Presidency, Accepts Floor Manager Position At Office Supply Firm
- Obama To Send 30,000 'Call Of Duty' Players To Afghanistan
- Opposition To Obama Climbs As More People Realize He Is Black
- Outrage Continues Over Violence Against Pirates
- Overwhelming Evidence Of Guilt Constitutes Unfair Trial, Blagojevich Lawyers Say
- Politician Apologizes For You Being So Fucking Stupid
- Report: Cheney Withheld Information On Secret Project To Suck Damned Souls Out Of Hell, Return Them To Land Of Living
- Republican Governor Confesses To Having Affairs With Other Republicans; 'I Screwed Them All'
- Republicans Rally Around Special Olympics
- Republicans Resist Democratic Proposal To Include Zombies In 2010 Census
- Rush Limbaugh Fails Obama; Obama Thought He Had 'A Strong C'
- Some Parents Fear Obama's Speech To Students Is Excuse To Have Sex With Them
- Supreme Court Fucks With Profanity Laws
- Treasury Accidentally Buys $1 Trillion Of Toxic Asses
2007-2008 (listed alphabetically)
- Bush Beginning To 'Act Out' In His Final Months As President
- Bush Submits $2.9 Trillion Budget For War, Perpetual Motion Machine
- Bush Vows That Monday's State of the Union Address Will Not Be His Last
- Legislators Urged To Deliver Tax Rebates Before Satellite Strikes, Ends Life On Earth
- McCain Shadowed By Animatronic Womanoid During Speech
- Obama, Clinton See Tuesday's Primary As Chance To Finally Leave Ohio
- Obama Offers Nomination To Clinton If He Can Have A Cigarette
- Obama Shifts Focus From Clinton To Nader
- Obama Sweeps Weekend Primaries, Grammy Awards, Box Office Records
- One Presidential Candidate May Have A Scandal, Other Candidates Insinuate
2006 (listed alphabetically)
- Bush 2000 Campaign Reunion To Be Held At Federal Prison
- Bush Admits To Secret Facebook Pages
- Bush Informs Nation Of Super Bowl Pick, Oscar Favorites
- Bush Not Worried About Impeachment Rumors; Says He 'Hasn't Been Blown Since Entering Office'
- Bush Plans On Staying The Course On Not Saying 'Stay The Course'
- Bush Vetoes Opportunity To Not Be An Asshole
- Bush, White House Frantically Rush To Find Out What Dem-ocrats' Are
- Cheney Takes Blame For Shooting Quail
- Chicago Councilman Caught in Lawn Mowing Patronage Scandal
- Congressional Democrats Order 10,000 Games Of 'Clue' In Effort To Find One
- Congressional Immigration Fight Leaves 63 Dead
- Coretta Scott King 'Would Have Wanted Funeral To Be Full Of Politicking,' Says Family
- High School AV Club Membership Threatens Alito Confirmation
- Hu's On First In Bush-League Talks, Say Analysts
- Husband's Opinion Causes Wife To Question Handling of Iraq War
- Kerry Vows To Filibuster Alito With Boring, Convoluted Speeches
- Leaked Stories Of Stupid American Kids 'Encouraging To Enemies,' Says President
- Limbaugh Viagra Evidence Of Coulter Impregnation, Say Analysts
- Marines On Committing War Atrocities: 'War Is Hell, Seriously'
- Proposed Amendment To Make Apple Pie Official U.S. Dessert Fails In Senate
- Rumsfeld, Distressed Over Spears Divorce, Resigns
- Senate Considers Banning Things Some People Don't Like
- Senators Propose Landmark 'Discount Sex Rebate' To Offset Gas Prices
- Sex Offenders Excited By Pelosi's Promise To Take America In A 'Nude Erection'
- Terrorist Support Of Bush Exceeds American Approval Ratings
- Terrorists Commandeer Planes Using Scissors, Attempt To Cancel Christmas
- Without Wiretaps, Americans Would Never Have Known Of Jessica/Nick Split, Says Bush
2005 (listed alphabetically)
- Anti-War Activists Publicly Bemoan, Secretly Celebrate 2,000th U.S. Military Death In Iraq
- Anti-War Protesters Ruin Cause By Looking, Acting Stupid
- Bizarro Bush Apologizes For No WMDs In State Of Union Address
- Blood-Thirsty Liberals Nearly Kill Tom DeLay
- Bolton Confirms Self As Ambassador
- Brown Believed Hurricane Katrina To Be Elaborate Joke, Leaked Emails Show
- Bush Declared 'Fit For Duty', Is Shipped To Iraq
- Bush Opens Oil Reserves In White House Basement
- Bush Uses News Conference To Explain Chaucer, Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipes
- Bush Vacation To End; Error Alert Raised
- Bush's Poll Numbers Up For Some Reason
- Closet Liberal's Cover Blown At Thanksgiving Dinner
- Condoleezza Rice Releases Hip-Hop Album To Combat Own Whiteness
- Conservatives And Liberals Thrilled At Sheehan's Arrest
- Dean To Head DNC, Begin Transformation Into Pussy
- 'Deep Throat' Revelation Disappoints, Offends Americans
- Democrats Surprised To Find Testicles On Selves
- Embattled DeLay Blasts 'Liberal' Texas
- Ex-FEMA Director Brown Blinks, Speaks All By Himself
- Global Warming Will Produce 'Good Vibrations, Funky Feelings' Says White House
- Greenspan Endorses Private Accounts, Ass-Kickings
- Hawkish Democrat Calls For Troop Pullout From Daughter
- High Court Nominee's Hair 'Too Unruly', Say Some Conservatives
- Lack Of Supreme Court Nomination Controversy May Create Controversy
- Media Announces Resignation Of Michael Brown; Brown Finds Out 24 Hours Later
- Members Of Capitol Hill Adopt Porn Names Of Their Own
- Samuel Alito Once Had An Abortion, Records Show
- Senate Okays Grinding Up Hippies For Oil
- Senate Threatens To Block Nomination Of Federal Reserve Chairman Over Stance On Abortion
- Supreme Court Nominee Roberts In 1964: Girls Are 'Gross'
- Supreme Court Doesn't Not Ban Not Some Commandment Displays
- Ultra-Conservative Justice John Roberts: 'Tricked You, Bitches'
- Venezuela's Existence 'Out Of Control'; Jesus Demands Human Blood Now, Says Religious Leader Pat Robertson
- White House Struggles To Keep Roberts' Cybernetic Nature Secret
2004 (listed alphabetically)
- 9/11 Panel Finds No Link Between Bin Laden And Iraq; White House Uses 'Whatever' Defense
- Abused Iraqi Prisoners Just 'Trying To Be Made To Feel At Home', Say Officials
- Area Man Braces For Flood Of Uninformed Political Opinions
- Bouncer Gives Bush Small Bounce After Convention
- Bush Announces Plans To Outsource Iraq Occupation
- Bush Commits Big Funding To Mars; Scoffs At Earth As 'Lost Cause'
- Bush Declares 'Mission Accomplished', Claims Presidency
- Bush Gives Mom Voucher For 'One Free Air Force One Ride' For Mother's Day
- Bush Gives Official Endorsement To Dennis Kucinich
- Bush Gives Okay To Bush-Led WMD Probe Commission
- Bush Makes Transparent Promise That 2004 Election Will Be Transparent
- Bush's Pick Of Non-Polarizing Attorney General Angers, Polarizes Many
- Bush Promises To Unite America; Aides Remind Him Unite Means 'Join Together'
- Bush Unveils New 'Hey, I Just Work Here!' Campaign Slogan
- Cheney Dismisses Clinton's Heart Surgery; Calls Former President 'Light Weight'
- Dead U.S. Soldiers Overwhelmingly Against Gay Marriage
- Elderly Ask For Say In Medicare Bill, Are Put In Retirement Homes
- Greenspan Strongly Recommends No One Fuck With Him
- Hussein To Film Public Service Announcement As Punishment For War Crimes
- Kerry Chooses Horse 'Smarty Jones' As Running Mate
- Kerry Complains About His Use Of 'Attack Politics'
- Kerry Relieved At Presidential Loss
- Kerry Win Could Mean Increase In Terror Attacks, Rapes, Puppy Murders, Says Cheney
- Kucinich Continues To Threaten Kerry’s Nomination, Says Kucinich
- Latest Presidential Debate Encourages Undecided Voters To Decide To Continue Not Deciding
- Man Attempts To Offer Wrap-Up DNC Analysis, Did Not Actually Watch Coverage Of DNC
- Many Undecided Voters Perplexed That Election Is Over Already
- Mayoral Candidate Actively Seeks Female Vote, Vagina
- Millions Of Americans Die From Not Voting
- Polls Show Iowa Caucus Tie Between Dean, Gephardt, Kerry, Big Bird
- Polls Show Kerry And Bush Pulling Away From Other Candidates
- Presidential Debates Inform Public About Difference In Candidates' Height, Posture, Tie Color
- Reagan's Body Narrowly Survives Assassination Attempt
- Working-Class Americans Humiliate Bin Laden Into Surrendering
- Young Nader Ruined Kerry's Eighth Birthday Party, Uncovered Tape Reveals
2003 (listed alphabetically)
- Amidst SARS Confusion, President Bush Bans Sears
- Bush Names Tarragon Official Terror-Eliminating Spice
- CIA Was Tricked By Spam Email, Says Government
- North Korea Not Attacked Due To Possession Of WMD
- Overturning Of Sodomy Laws Kills Strom Thurmond
- Palestinian Prime Minister Resigns; Bush Redirects Road Map To Burger King
- Rumsfeld Criticized For Showing Graphic Images Of Himself
- Schwarzenegger Illustrates Admiration For Women By Having Sex With Wife, Other Women
- U.S. Credibility Concerns Prompt Alex Trebek CIA Hiring
2000-2002 (listed alphabetically)
- Bush Plans 9-11 Reenactment To Raise Waning Patriotism
- More archived material coming soon -- check back often!
