One Presidential Candidate May Have A Scandal, Other Candidates Insinuate

The political world was rocked today with the suggestion by some nominees for the presidential candidate that other nominees may have had past and/or present scandals.

Although the candidates themselves have not made any suggestions relating to scandals, those on their staff and related to their campaigns have made it clear that that's what they're saying.

"We aren't commenting on the rumors circulating about our opponent, " said one candidate's spokesperson with a wink, "but I think if you connect the dots, you'll realize what they've done, and it's just despicable."

The rumors necessarily concern one of the more popular candidates, since the less popular candidates cannot have any significant media coverage devoted to them, and are therefore free to indulge in whatever they'd like, including belief in alien visitations to Earth or the abolishment of the Federal Reserve.

The scandal may involve something that one of the candidates may have once done 26 years ago, or a small sentence or word from the campaign trail taken out of context, such as "America is [only] pretty great," or "Reagan [is someone I admire/don't admire]".

"A potential scandal like this can really harm a candidate if it's misconstrued and reported on in the media, such as what I'm doing right now," explained Jamison Smith, a political analyst. "Voters really won't stand for over 92% of anything anyone running for President could potentially say or do."

"If I were running," he added, "I wouldn't say anything, and would sit in a neutral-colored room for the duration of the campaign."

The probability of the rumored scandal seriously affecting the candidate's campaign mostly depends on how easy or catchy it is to say and remember, according to Smith.

"Does it rhyme? Can you make a funny sound effect out of it? Can you easily put it on a sign? These are the indicators that we look for in a good scandal," said Smith.

On the whole, Americans say they don't like negative attacks on other candidates, although they do rely on them to know what bad things the other candidates have been up to.

In fact, in a recent poll, 56% of Americans said that what they most valued about the political process was scandals. 32% preferred to examine the smile and hairstyle of their candidate, while only 10% valued "tone of voice/if he or she sounds like someone I know". An additional 20% said they have no idea how politics or statistics work.

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