Bush Names Tarragon Official Terror-Eliminating Spice
President Bush announced today the latest move in the fight against terrorism: a special spice, known commonly as tarragon, to be used as an "all-purpose terror eliminator".
Though the spice has been known to man for quite some time for enhancing the flavour of many dishes, especially those containing chicken, Bush only recently discovered it and its terror-fighting properties.
"I was eating some food made by my good old wife [First Lady] Laura [Bush] the other night, and I noticed that it tasted particular good-tastic," Bush said. "So I asked her, 'Baby! What did you put in here that makes it so good?' And then she said those fateful words that I'll never forget..."
Bush frowned and paused to consult his notes, then smiled in recollection and nodded.
"Those words I'll never forget: 'terror gone' [sic]."
Always thinking of the country's safety, the President says he instantly sprang to attention upon hearing his wife name the spice.
"'What did you say?' I asked her, my hands trembling," Bush recalled. "She repeated the name of the spice, and all of a sudden it hit me: we can use this sucker to wipe out terrorism once and for all."
The secret to the spice, Bush revealed, lies in its name.
"You see, I remembered that the names of things often tell what they do," the President explained. "For example, a 'light' can cast light in the room that it's in. A 'guitar' can make guitar-like sounds for the listener. You get the picture."
Realizing this, it didn't take Bush long -- only three hours, according to him -- to make the connection.
"After much thinking, I knew that this spice terror gone could be used to make terror gone," he said. "I know many of you may not follow that, but trust me, it's true and scientific."
To add to his evidence, Bush remembered that while eating the dish prepared by his wife with tarragon, he did not experience terror of any kind.
"The whole time I was eating that chicken with the terror gone on it, I did not once get assaulted by an Arab, or have a suicide plane fly into me," Bush said with an astounded look on his face. "The spice acted like a magnetic shield, repelling away instances of terror with ease."
As such, the President is strongly encouraging all citizens to use the spice on their foods.
"If you eat food with terror gone on it, terror will be gone from your life," he stated. "It's that simple. I don't know why the hell anyone would decide not to do this, even if you don't like how it tastes. But you will, because it's delicious!"