Bush 2000 Campaign Reunion To Be Held At Federal Prison
With recent convictions of Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling of Enron added to a long list of incarcerated Republican notables, reunion plans for the Bush 2000 election team have been relocated to the federal prison at Joliet, Illinois, for the sake of convenience.
Enron, which gained much presidential favor by being the largest corporate donor to the Bush 2000 campaign, has since fallen into bankruptcy and disrepute as all of its principal executives have now either pled guilty or been convicted of various malfeasances.
"Unfortunately, since my boy Kenny and the others just won't be able to come to Crawford like we'd planned, we might as well have a reunion with a 'Jailhouse Rock'," Bush explained at a recent press conference. "You know, like Elvis. 'Everybody on the old tree farm! Keep dancin' to the rock you like a hurricane!'"
The President added that other attendees in addition to Lay and Skilling will add to the party's theme.
"With Tom DeLay, Scooter Libby and so many others shuffling off into the judicial system, I knew this was a great chance to have a fun theme party," he said, adding with a chuckle, "Plus, this way [Vice President] Cheney won't be able to bring in any firearms."
The party, which is being set up by former lobbyist Jack Abramoff, will not be moderated or regulated by federal officials.
"The warden has assured us there won't be any interference -- Abramoff said so, although maybe I shouldn't trust a guy who could sell diet pills to Somolians," said the President. "We'll bring in the same bimbos we used in the back rooms during the campaign, and who knows, a few of the boys might get lucky!"
"I don't support conjugal visits in prisons, but our campaign staff was so good at screwing people, I'd hate to see all that talent go to waste," Bush added proudly.
Former Florida Secretary of State Kathryn Harris will be guest of honor. She has promised to bring 100 blank Florida absentee ballots per guest as party favors.
Republican-appointed U.S. Supreme Court justices who sided with Bush in the 2000 election lawsuit will also be honored guests. They will automatically receive $500,000 in crisp, new twenty-dollar bills as door prizes. These will be designated as "speaker fees" in party campaign finance reports.
Although anyone involved in the administration now or in the year 2000 may come, guests facing prison time or scrutiny by the judicial system are preferred, explaining the poster currently posted at the White House which reads, "You don't have to be a crook to work here... but it helps!"
"We really need this reunion to bring our morale back up," Bush intoned. "If those damned Democrats gain control of either the House or the Senate in 2006, who knows what terrorists might happen?"
The Democrats, unsure of how to comment on the party for fear of upsetting one guy they know, are divided on their opinions. Some, like Senator Hilary Clinton, vehemently oppose it.
"We know that Democrats could never hold a party in prison," she said proudly. "Yes, I know Rep. William Jefferson is in some kind of 'trouble' right now, but I don't care if he had three heads in his freezer -- those agents had no right to be in his house."