Bush Informs Nation Of Super Bowl Pick, Oscar Favorites
To avoid seeing his ratings fall further yet, President Bush eschewed any discussion during his State of the Union address of rising oil prices, the war on terror, the war in Iraq or the boring process of obtaining Senate approval of Supreme Court nominees. Instead, the President opted to tell the American people what they wanted to hear, and in lieu of discussing the impact of America's dependence on oil, which no one wants to hear, Bush gave his predictions for Best Picture and MVP.
"My fellow Americans, the Pittsburgh secondary just doesn't have what it takes to be a world champion," Bush said in his opening statement to the nation. "I am confident in the leadership qualities and judgments that Ben Rothlisberger is capable of making, but I just don't see D stepping up to, uh, the challenge."
Bush only hinted at his plans to encourage Americans to rely less on fossil fuels by mentioning that Super Bowl XL would be the last population increase that Detroit would see until Ford gets back up on its feet by finishing plans for vehicles that run on more environmentally friendly and renewable 100-dollar bills. He did, however, make a brief sidenote that America must end its "oil addiction".
"I know about addictions," he added ominously.
Bush also said that he felt that he was speaking for everyone when he said that Brokeback Mountain was, indeed, about gay cowboys.
"Brokenback Mountain is a fine movie, and even though I haven't seen it I'm sure it's a strong contender for Best Picture," said the President. "It has to be -- a movie with such a danged wonderful theme as gay cowboys brings back memories of 'Some Like It Hot', 'Tootsie', and 'To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar,' which are all regarded as classics. This new one is a sure bet to win, at least, best comedy of the year."
He added "I think I speak for everyone here in America when I say we could all use a little more gay times in our lives."
Bush's picks for best actress were divided between Reese Witherspoon and Keira Knightley for their work on "Walk the Line" and "Pride and Prejudice", respectively, though he also stated that he felt that Samuel Ailito's wife should have an honorary nomination. "There wasn't a single one of us amongst us who doubted that those tears were genuine," Bush gushed.
Despite its dire criticism of his handling of the war in Iraq, Bush said that he thought the war film "Jarhead" to be one that was blithely ignored by the Academy.
"That movie had a fella with a jar over his face, but he kept trying, persevering against all odds and jars," he said with a far off look in his eye. "This is what we are doing in Iraq: even though we have jars over our faces, we keep on going, never leaving and never stopping doing what we're doing."
Of course, the speech would not be complete without some references to America itself, and Bush did not disappoint, talking about what America is and what it does and how it may someday fly around the world and drop rainbows on people.
"America...when Lincoln didn't give up...and neither did Martin Luther King...we can never get up, see?" he said. "And what we can't give up is freedoms, and our freedom to give them up, and our freedom to give other people them. To make them have them, even. And gosh darnit, our freedom to take those freedoms away when they're not used in the correct way."
"Hamas!" he sneezed.
Democrats say the speech was "the worst thing in history".
"This administration!" huffed Virginia Something Or Other Democrat Tim Kaine. "Hurricane Katrina! Iraq! These things should have been in the speech, not Super Bowl nonsense and Oscar hooha."
But preliminary poll results indicate that nearly half of viewers "felt nice" while watching the speech.
"It's so nice to see him there, talking about things," said one viewer happily. "Things that I like."
"America," whispered another, tears streaming silently down his face. "Bush said it: America."