Bouncer Gives Bush Small Bounce After Convention
President Bush, following in the history of other incumbent Presidents, has received a slight bounce in the wake of last week's Republican National Convention, according to reports from various clubs in the New York area.
"Yeah, Bush came in here on Thursday night," one gruff-looking bouncer said. "He looked like he was a little tipsy, and he might have been trouble for some of our other guests. So I told him to beat it, and he did."
He shrugged. "It was a little bounce, really. No big deal. You shoulda seen how I had to restrain Reagan back in '84. Now that was a bounce."
"I let Bush in, but he was dancing a little too friendly with some of the ladies, if you get my drift," another enormous bouncer who identified himself as "Tiny" said. "They looked like they weren't too cool with it, either, even when he told them that he could take their boyfriends out no matter how sovereign they were. Well, that kind of crap might fly in an international unilateralist agenda, but not in my club, damn it. I gave him a small warning, and he got the hell out of there like his ass was on fire."
In addition to anecdotal evidence, a CNN/USA Today/Gallup poll of 1,018 bouncers revealed a two percent rise in Bush's bouncing from prior to the convention -- not a large bounce when compared to past incumbents, but significant when compared to John Kerry's lack of any bounce after the Democratic National Convention.
"Now Kerry, that guy didn't have any bouncing done to him at all," Tiny recalled. "He tried coming into the club, and I said, 'You gonna cause me any trouble?' And he just says, 'By no means, sir. All I require is some ale to soothe my tired spirit.' Well, a polite guy like that, I just let him in. He looked a little disappointed when I told him, and he said, 'You mean I don't get any bounce at all?' And I just looked at him and said, 'Not a chance.'"
Tiny added that he did not bounce Kerry even after the Presidential candidate became agitated and began rubbing his Vietnam service record in his face.
"Now, his Senate record, plus a slightly more angry speech to me, maybe," Tiny said. "But the Vietnam thing -- no way. I got kids playing that one on me every night. It doesn't phase me anymore."
"Clinton was tearing this god damned place apart after his convention," said another bouncer, with some trace of nostalgia. "Strippers, McDonald's -- it was all everywhere. I gave him a pretty big bounce for that. I was sort of mad at the time, but looking back, I see I had it pretty good back then."
In fact, Bush's bounce is so small that it may not even exist at all, given the poll's plus or minus 3.5 percentage points error.
"To be honest, I can't tell if I bounced Bush at all for this convention," said one weary bouncer. "For me to get off my tired ass and take action, he's got to do something pretty big, like bringing me Osama bin Laden or coming in here when another plane flies into a building."
"Running into my club and announcing that the terror alert just went up again isn't riling my customers anymore, and therefore, it isn't riling me," agreed Tiny. "Bush has got to find something new if he thinks he can get me going like he used to."