Palestinian Prime Minister Resigns; Bush Redirects Road Map To Burger King
Prime Minister Abbas officially resigned from his position today, citing "utter hopelessness" and "Israel constantly getting all up in my shit" as reasons why he simply could not continue carrying out his duties.
Abbas' resignation throws hopes for peace in the Middle Eastern region into serious doubt, as he was one of the U.S.' prime instruments for conflict resolution. With him out of the picture, a large part of Bush's so-called "road map to peace" is missing.
"Prime Minister Abbas was the main building block of my road map, and he also produced some catchy songs in his day as a member of that band that was named after him," Bush said wistfully at a press conference today. "I will always remember his peace-making efforts, and his sweet, Swedish voice."
But without Abbas, Bush says that his road map will just not work.
"I can't do it without my man on the inside," he said. "So I am abandoning my hopes of peace in the Middle East."
The region can "blow itself to shit, for all I care," according to the President.
"Whatever, I don't care what they do," he said with a dismissive wave of his hand. "I've got bigger fish to fry."
The President then revealed the bigger fish: a complete redesigning of his road map, with a new goal in mind.
"What we need to concentrate on now are more achievable goals," Bush said. "And I can't think of something much more achievable then getting me a big sandwich and some fries from Burger King."
The new road map will detail all of the steps needed to get the President to the closet Burger King, such as rides, what food will be ordered, what music will be played on the way, and what Bush's wife will be told.
"I don't want her coming along," he said of First Lady Laura Bush. "She'll cramp my style for sure, and the secret service guys will never get off my back after that."
The President said he is "pretty sure" that his "one friend Jim" can take him to Burger King.
"Jim totally owes me a favor," he explained to us, "and I don't want to use my own damn gas to drive there myself. That stuff is freaking expensive these days! What the hell are they doing over there in the Middle East anyway, burning the oil barrels?"
Fortunately for the President, Jim is almost certain to drive, and his car contains a "sweet" stereo -- perfect for the music Bush has selected for the ride over.
"I figured we'd start off with a little Eminem, then switch it up with some Good Charlotte," Bush revealed. "I want to have 50 Cent playing when we actually get really into town, though. We'll turn it up really loud, and everyone on the streets will be like, 'Whoa, those dudes are stylin'!' And we'll be all like, 'Yeah bitch, now what's up?'"
As far as the specifics of the food to be ordered, Bush said that he currently did not have a preference, as long as it was tasty.
"Whopper, Junior Whopper, I don't give a rat's ass what it's called or what it's made of," he said. "I'm hungry."
The new direction of the road map is expected to cost taxpayers around 65 billion dollars, not including the cost of Bush's meal, an added debt to an already sky-high national deficit. However, the President said he is unconcerned.
"The way I figure it, if it's already at a record high, then theoretically I can't do any more harm by making it higher," he said. "It's like, you can only get so disappointed with someone before you have reached your maximum levels of disappointment. That's kind of the factor I'm counting on here."