Bush Announces Plans To Outsource Iraq Occupation
In order to save on the rapidly-escalating costs and dangers of the U.S. occupation of Iraq, President Bush announced on Saturday that he would be attempting to outsource the Iraq war to other nations, a marked shift in policy from his infamous "Fuck ya'll, we'll do it alone," statement to the U.N. last year.
"I would like to take this opportunity, here on the very special day that marks the anniversary of America's holiday in Iraq, to say that we will be outsourcing the Iraq war to other nations who would be happy to do it," he said at a press conference attended by various U.N. representatives of many different countries. "It's really a great job."
When asked if the decision to outsource the war -- or "extreme generosity towards other nations", as Bush put it -- had anything to do with the fact that the U.S. is spending a great deal of money and lives in Iraq with no foreseeable end in sight, Bush replied with a strong "no way, Jose [editor's note: the President pronounced "Jose" as "Jo-zee" here]".
"Look, we're managing just fine over there, and we're not having any regrets about going it alone or making the U.N. angry or anything," he said. "In fact, Iraq is now a very fine place to vacation, or even live and start a family, as long as you are wearing the proper clothing for the...harsh climates."
These "harsh climates", the President elaborated, include scorching-hot temperatures and "natural, large sand-blast explosions" that sometimes occur for reasons still "scientifically unclear".
In response to additional questioning, Bush responded, "Saddam Hussein."
"Saddam!" he stated, staring at reporters. "Saddam Hussein! That's right, we caught him. The United States. Saddam Hussein! Here's a picture of him!"
Bush also reassured American reporters that the outsourcing would cause "nothing but good" for the economy.
"Frankly, I don't see what the big negative reaction over outsourcing is," he said. "Who the hell wouldn't want their job shipped overseas so someone else can do it for them? It's a pretty sweet deal, if you ask me."
However, when asked for comment on the decision, many Americans seemed confused.
"Why would we want to give Iraq away now?" one woman from North Carolina said. "Don't we still have to catch Osama bin Laden there?"
Presidential candidate John Kerry, however, was firm in his disapproval of Bush's proposal.
"Although I voted for the war in Iraq, I was secretly against it," Kerry said. "But I do think that we need to stay in there and finish the job."
Kerry then added, "Or, we could leave and not finish it. What do you think is better? Because I could really go either way."