Bush Commits Big Funding To Mars; Scoffs At Earth As 'Lost Cause'
Amidst criticism that the proposed $12 billion to be spent on the U.S. space program over the next five years could be better spent elsewhere -- or, at the very least, not spent in the midst of such a large national debt -- President Bush held a press conference today defending his proposal, citing the importance of exploring other worlds now that the planet Earth, in part due to his actions, is "doomed".
"It is very important not just to our nation, but to the entire planet, that I spend this money on NASA rather than programs for our poor and seniors and children and disadvantaged," Bush explained. "As a species, our hope lies on the new soil of Mars, not here on the crusty old Earth."
Spending money on programs of social betterment would be akin to paying money to try and close fault lines in the Earth itself, Bush said -- which is incidentally something he once tried to do.
"I long believed those fault lines to be a major source of problems for our planet," he said wistfully. "Cracks in something as big as Earth can't be a good thing, I thought. And I still do think that. But after I ran my oil businesses into the ground spending the revenues on trying to close giant cracks in the Earth, I realized something: every now and then, there is something that money just can't fix. Like our planet, for instance."
Due to factors like immense strife towards the U.S. by many nations (some of which with nuclear capabilities), countries such as Pakistan and India engaged in serious war, millions of people going hungry every day, population overcrowding, Michael Jackson continuing to be lauded despite being accused of molesting children, and more, Bush said spending money to improve life on Earth would be an equally fruitless venture.
"Let's face it, my fellow Americans: we messed up this planet pretty bad," he said. "Hell, the whole damn thing will probably explode in a few years anyway, thanks to things like the U.S. opting out of the Kyoto protocol or my Clear Skies Initiative. It's doomed, and I for one don't like being on things that are doomed."
Thus, the future for humanity lies on Mars, which Bush hopes to establish human colonies on via the moon.
"Once we begin colonizing Mars, we'll be able to start life anew, eliminating mistakes of the past such as making cocaine illegal, and the invention of the Democratic party," he said.
Eventually, "friendly Martian aliens" would emerge from deep within the planet's core to further assist mankind, said Bush, assuring a utopia of sorts.
"My top scientists have assured me that life may have once existed on Mars, which probably means that super-intelligent beings still live within the planet's cheese-core," the President said. "Once they detect our presence, they'll come out and share their secrets of technology with us."
However, some passionate fans of Earth are already voicing their discontent with Bush's condemning of their planet.
"Earth is the best! These colors don't run, baby!" shouted one man, pointing to his shirt, which was green and blue.
"Mars? Don't you mean FREEDOM PLANET?" asked one woman angrily. "By which I don't mean that it's a planet of freedom, but that I'm trying to call it a derogatory name!"
Other Americans say the prospect of living with aliens frightens and confuses them.
"I've seen that movie 'Mars Attacks'," said one man uneasily. "That was based on a true story, right?"
"Aliens are faggots," said another man matter-of-factly. "I don't want some faggot alien fucking hitting on me. Jesus Christ."
But for others, moving to Mars is fine by them.
"As long as it's not filled with damn, dirty apes," one woman told us.