Cheney Takes Blame For Shooting Quail
Vice-President Dick Cheney formally accepted responsibility today for accidentally shooting and killing a wild quail while attempting to murder his longtime friend and Texas lawyer, Harry Whittington.
"It's a day I'll never forget," he told Fox News, the network he picked to speak to for some reason. "I can't even fucking believe that Harry is still alive."
Earlier this week, Cheney broke into Whittington's hospital room, where he was staying after having been accidentally wounded by Cheney several days ago. Whittington then, in imitation of his good friend, had a heart attack.
"I entered his room ready to finish the job," said the VP apologetically. "I thought it'd be like shooting fish in a barrel, or an old dirty bastard with a catheter."
What Cheney did not expect, however, was the flock of wild quail that were living in the hospital furniture.
"I lifted up the gun, pointed it straight at his head, and…wham," said Cheney. "I pulled the trigger and before I knew what happened, this sweet little bird was flapping and squawking on the floor in a pool of its own blood."
He wiped a tear from his cheek, and a mummy -- presumably his wife -- comforted him gently.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) issued a statement calling the Vice-President's actions "despicable", and asked all governments in the world to force their people to observe several weeks of silence in memory of the bird.
"All America flies with you tonight, little one," said Ingrid Newkirk, president of PETA and one scary looking woman, at a PETA event. "Tonight, we weep together in our loss. But fear not -- your death shall not have been in vain. Soon we will have our revenge."
It is unclear if the audience, namely monkeys that had been freed from a local laboratory, could understand her words. She seemed fairly certain, however, that they could.
President Bush chastised Vice-President Cheney for the accident, but stood firm on his position that letting "that guy from Jackass play one of the dukes" in the recent movie "The Dukes of Hazzard" was "despicable" and that "retaliation would be in order."
Cheney, whose fake heart is keeping him alive through "scientific ingenuity" and "magick", formally apologized on Fox News for the accident.
"I sincerely apologize to the quail I shot, as well as those folks from PETA who looked pretty upset when I told them," he said on Tuesday. "I never meant harm to anyone, and I am sincerely sorry."
The dead quail, which Cheney's wife broiled for dinner, was unavailable for comment.
Moving on from the accident, however, may be difficult for the Vice-President.
"I will have to carry this burden for some time, and it is indeed my burden to carry," he said. "But rest assured, you aren't rid of me yet."
He then entered Whittington's hospital room with a very, very large knife.