Congressional Immigration Fight Leaves 63 Dead
Fears over an aggressive and brutal battle concerning immigration reform appeared to be justified when today, one day before officially beginning debate, a Senate discussion that merely mentioned immigration left 63 Senators dead and 29 injured, leaving only eight remaining alive and in good health. However, they are expected to die tomorrow, when a new session begins and fighting resumes.
The source of the aggression towards the immigration subject -- normally a topic that is pleasant to talk about and easy to make policies on -- seems to be Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, who, unsatisfied with an immigration bill that passed the Judiciary Committee on Monday, declared his intention to make his own bill.
"In my bill, immigrants can get out of the country, or I can shoot them in the face," he said bluntly, staring insolently at members of the Senate. "What now? What?"
But this bill did not sit well with many Senators who supported the initial bill passed Monday, which would create a guest-worker program and allow immigrants to work towards legal citizen status by answering a series of questions about America, such as "Rounding to the nearest five, how many white-tailed deer are in the continental U.S.?" and "List the U.S. presidents in the order of looking most like a famous celebrity."
"Yes, they broke the law by coming here illegally," said Sen. Ted Kennedy, sitting on Frist's face until he suffocated, "but is that really illegal?"
Still others disagreed with both Frist and the committee's bill, putting forth their own ideas of what immigration reform should entail.
"Our country is not completely safe from the immigrant menace until we put a giant plexiglass dome over our entire land mass," said Virginia Republican Sen. George Allen. "Some people here are in favor of just stopping at a large wall between the U.S. and Mexico, but I say, those little pedros can jump like jumping beans. They'll find a way in here, and when they do, real Amuricans [sic] are doomed."
Republicans like Allen estimate that for every illegal immigrant currently in the U.S., four real U.S. citizens lose their jobs and/or contract tuberculosis.
"Immigrants are a scourge on our great nation, and we should be doing everything in our power to purify our country," he said, once again apologizing for wearing a white robe due to all of his suits being in the wash.
But those like Kennedy insist that this way of thinking is bigoted and inhumane, insisting that if anything, Americans should be more accommodating to immigrants.
"You can't tell these people that just because they're in this country, they have to learn our language," he shouted. "If anything, it would make a lot more sense for everyone around them to learn their language, rather than only one individual making a change for all of us."
Across the nation, less-important people also died, clashing with each other over the same questions that ultimately drove Senators like George Allen to slam Ted Kennedy's head in a desk drawer until he expired.
"Amurica didn't get to where she is today by allowing no immigrants in here," bawled Orval Cleabus, a Louisiana gentleman, sobbing at the thought of even one non-white person living somewhere on the same land mass as him. "That ain't natural."
Cleabus then implored our reporter to remember September 11th, 2001.
President Bush made level-headed comments on the matter, advocating both border security and a guest-worker program that recognizes the achievements of hard-working immigrants, raising suspicions among some that he had been replaced by an immigrant at some point.
"He always did like to talk in espaynyola [sic]," Cleabus said, narrowing his eyes in suspicion. "President Bush is a god damned immigrant. Who the hell else would want to treat these people like people?"