Bush Promises To Unite America; Aides Remind Him Unite Means 'Join Together'

Early promises by President Bush shortly after the election to pursue a united America may prove to be short-lived, as reports straight from the White House indicate that the President did not know the meaning of the word "unite" at the time he used it.

"In our English language, there are a frighteningly large number of possible words to choose from," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan. "In fact, with the millions of words out there, it's actually remarkable that anybody can say anything at all and have it make sense. So you can see how the President could've easily gotten confused."

Bush, who expressed a desire to try and unite an America that seems sharply divided, was reportedly questioned by aides shortly after the comment was made.

"Sir, do you realize that you just promised to try and make Democrats and Republicans agree -- or at least compromise -- on issues like abortion and gay marriage?" whispered one.

"Wait...what?" Bush answered, confused. "How?"

In fact, sources close to the White House indicate that the President may issue a statement tomorrow indicating the exact opposite of what he initially said.

"The new statement reads something like, 'My fellow Americans: in my excitement of winning the election, I may have used a word I didn't mean,'" an anonymous source explained. "The President will then clarify that what he actually meant to say was 'much further separate if that's even possible,' or possibly 'cause Civil War II: Judgment Day'."

Whether the President actually goes through with this retraction or not, the fact remains that America is a severely divided country right now, with specific regions having distinct differences of opinion on various social matters.

"What I want to know is what this President is going to do about these two gay guys a few houses down who are ruining my marriage!" shouted Janice Tankle, an Iowa woman. "Every time my husband sees them, he tells me how much happier they look than us!"

"I think it's time we come to a decision about abortion -- specifically, late-term abortion," said a man from California. "And it'd really help me out of a jam if we could do it in the next few months or so."

Somewhat surprisingly, larger issues, such as the war on Iraq, healthcare, and social security, take a backseat to some of these social concerns with many Americans.

"Look, unless social security is some new code name for gay marriage, I don't really want to hear about it," Tankle said, seeming annoyed. "I'm more interested in the things that matter in this country, not what those crooked politicians try and get you to think."

"Anyway," she added, confused, "I thought the war in Iraq was over like nine months ago."

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