High School AV Club Membership Threatens Alito Confirmation
Investigators working for leading Senate Democrats have uncovered potentially ruinous documents proving that Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito was a leading member of his high school AV club.
In a news conference this morning, Senators Leahy and Kennedy discussed their new concerns about Alito based on these revelations and said they believed this information is more disconcerting than Alito's membership in the right wing Concerned Alumni of Princeton, or CAP, in the 1980's, as well as his earlier membership in Citizens Against Ugly Children (CAUC).
"I don't think the American people can be properly served on the highest court in the land by someone who showed such disturbing nerd tendencies from an early age," said a concerned-looking Kennedy.
He added that the information would be enough to delay the vote on Alito's confirmation until "we find out if he's ever kissed a girl."
Leahy chose to voice his concerns by solemnly carrying a flashing siren and shouting "Nerd Alert" whenever Alito entered the room.
Feminist leaders say they're especially concerned because most AV clubs are exclusively male, but they admit that could simply be because female students are usually turned off by geeks.
Incidentally, the news is having a profound effect on Alito's wife Martha-Ann Bomgardner, who broke down in tears when she saw the documents.
"This explains why he wears those stupid 'Spock ears' to bed every night and gets all sweaty whenever we go out alone together. I can't believe I married such a loser," Bomgardner said between sobs.
The White House and Conservative groups are mobilizing to defend Alito, insisting that his background represents the "geekiness" of most Americans.
"Okay, be honest. How many of you were the 'cool kids' in high school? Every school had one or two star quarterback and cheerleader-types, but the nerds, geeks, and just plain nobodies were the norm," insisted Paul Weyrich, head of the right wing PAC, "Free Congress." "We don't need another justice who comes from the extreme 'cool' wing of American society. The last 'cool guy' who got into power was Bill Clinton, and I don't think I have to tell you how that turned out."
Legal experts aren't so sure. Harvard law professor Alan Dershowitz is particularly concerned.
"It's pretty clear that the 'loser wing' of the legal world is already well-represented by Justices Souter, Ginsburg, and John Paul Stevens on the court. Souter basically still lives with his mother, Ginsburg looks like a librarian out of 1953, and will somebody tell Stevens that only gay men wear bow ties these days," Dershowitz asked rhetorically.
In a statement, Justice Stevens angrily responded that this isn't true, and that he's seen "cool straight men like Elton John" wear bow ties "all the time".
For his part, Alito is keeping mum on his AV club past. But his staffers did say he would make a formal statement as soon as he finishes watching the "Babylon 5" marathon on the Sci-Fi Channel.