Greenspan Strongly Recommends No One Fuck With Him

Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan strongly urged Congress Friday to act in the nation's best interest by ensuring that no one fucks with him, "seriously, for any reason".

In testimony before the House Budget Committee, the 78-year-old former accountant reported that he had been fucked with an average of 31% more this year-to-date than in the entire first half of 2003. He also noted that his projection for the number of times he will be fucked with by the end of the fiscal year is "astronomical."

"With the prospect of 77 million baby boomers retiring amidst a series of tax cuts and spending increases, people have many concerns about the stability of today's economy," Greenspan said, "all of which have directly contributed to an increased number of people giving me shit."

Greenspan, who is widely considered one of the most influential figures in the world economy, called on Congress to reinstate rules that would punish, with jail time or heavy taxes, anyone caught asking the bespectacled chairman inane questions about the economy or otherwise fucking with him in any way.

"We're really between a rock and a hard place," said [Rep.] Christopher Shays (R-CT), Vice Chairman of the Budget Committee. "I mean, we love the son of a bitch, and we certainly don't want to see anyone fucking with him. But at the same time, we're kind of in some deep shit with this deficit."

Greenspan reportedly appeared "irritated" at times while speaking to the committee, some members of which were fucking with him even as he delivered his testimony.

"I thought he was going to lose it when [Rep.] Dennis [Moore, (D-KS)] interrupted him to ask about cost-of-living adjustments for Social Security," said Shays. "He was just like, ‘Fuck!' and pounded his fist on the table real hard. Then he goes, ‘This is exactly what I'm talking about!'"

Shays added, "The whole time I was just trying not to look at [Rep.] Rob [Portman (R-OH)] because I knew we'd both start cracking up."

As part of Greenspan's proposed solution, Congress would raise the minimum retirement age for receiving Social Security benefits from 65 to 67. This, according to Greenspan, would significantly decrease the overall number of retirees, who he says spend most of their time "just sitting around, bitching about their benefits."

While much of Washington was initially taken aback by Greenspan's testimony, he is not without his supporters.

"It's pretty unfair the way some people expect him to fix the whole damn economy single-handedly," said Mississippi resident John Knight. "But, hell, look at the guy. If I lived in Washington and saw him around, I'd probably fuck with him too."

Though Greenspan strongly recommended that Congress take swift action on the matter, it is unlikely that they will take up such a controversial issue in an election year.

According to one Senator, who asked to remain anonymous, "In election years, we pretty much let the public fuck with anyone they want to."

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: