Greenspan Endorses Private Accounts, Ass-Kickings

Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan gave his formal endorsement to privatized Social Security accounts today to the Senate Banking Committee, as well as advocating the "sound, thorough ass-kicking" of anyone who defied him on the matter.

Greenspan, who is well into eligible retirement age now at 156, argued with Democrats that social security was "functioning poorly" in its current form, much like "the asses of some of you naysayers will be after I'm done with you."

"Damnit, Jack, I ought to kick your ass," he told Democrat Rhode Island Senator Jack Reed. "There's no savings created in this current system, is what I'm trying to tell you. But maybe that's something you would better understand with a foot-shaped object shoved in your tail pipe."

Greenspan also suggested that account privatization could give the lower and middle classes a greater opportunity to create wealth for themselves, as well as insinuating that Sen. Charles Schumer (D-N.Y.) had his "brains in his asshole."

"The problem with the current system is simple: every time Charlie here takes a shit, he loses some of his mind," Greenspan explained, rapping on Schumer's head as if to indicate a hollow skull. "In the same way, every time we have a new generation of less people, it becomes harder for the current system to work."

The solution? Privatized accounts for Social Security, and a "foot-to-ass surgery" for Schumer, which Greenspan, the alleged provider of the surgery, says could dislodge Schumer's brain from his ass, presumably allowing it to somehow travel backwards through his digestive system and pass through his nasal and sinus cavities, ultimately winding up back inside his head.

Schumer, for his part, argued that privatization is actually "a disguise by the ideologues who want to end Social Security."

"God damnit, Charles!" Greenspan shouted in response. "You're sitting on your god damned brain!"

But regardless of the condition of his brain, Schumer and other Democrats say they are completely against privatization and refuse to negotiate.

"You're all stupid, and you're not being fair," Schumer yelled, putting his hands over his ears.

He then proceeded to repeat "I'm not listening, I'm not listening" over and over for the remainder of the session.

The author of the prospective Social Security bill, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.), must be able to compromise with at least five Democrats, though, as Senate rules require 60 votes to eliminate debate.

"I'll probably just yell at them until they cower and agree to do what I say," he said.

"Don't hesitate to call on me," added Greenspan from the corner, where he was currently engaged in stomping on a sobbing Schumer's face.

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