High Court Nominee's Hair 'Too Unruly', Say Some Conservatives
In what is becoming an increasingly fierce debate over Supreme Court nominee and former master of the Texas lottery Harriet Miers, some conservatives are charging that her haircut is "insane", "liberal", and generally too wild to be appropriate for a proper judge.
"How can Harriet 'Twisted Sister' Miers be expected to enact laws against abortion when her hair is running amok all over her skull?" asked Sam O'Reilly, a member of Focus on the Family. "Who's the next nominee, Aerosmith?"
Only 29 percent of conservatives believe Miers is qualified to serve on the bench, although that number rises to 71 percent when the question was clarified, "the park bench". Many angrily say they feel a separation of religion and state has occurred, since although President Bush cited religion as a reason for nominating Miers, she is obviously a crazed atheist.
"I wouldn't be surprised if she advocated giving medicinal marijuana to the sick and the elderly," O'Reilly said darkly.
Some conservatives also expressed concern that Miers' locks could encourage youngsters to grow their own hair in unkempt and silly ways, which could possibly result in entrances to churches being clogged and people getting ensnared on their way to yell at the pharmacist for giving people birth control.
"If there's anything our nation doesn't need right now, it's more damn hair," said one man from Florida angrily. "I think I ought to shoot someone for this."
"What is Harriet trying to say with that haircut of hers -- that we evolved from hairy primates or something?" said Kansas resident Gerrine Brandenine with suspicion. "I can't believe that in this day and age, there are still people who would say things like that."
The contention is so fierce that some have even suggested that Miers may ask President Bush to withdraw her nomination, a suggestion that is "fucking ridiculous and worth me kicking your ass for saying it", according to secretary of pressing skulls Scott McClellan.
"What the hell is it with you assholes asking me these kinds of questions?" he snarled at a press conference. No questions had yet been asked. "Why can't you just stick to the script?"
The news is just the latest in string of woes for the Bush administration, with Tom DeLay's indictment, Hurricane Katrina, and people finally starting to realize that if the President died, Dick Cheney would take his place all contributing to sub-40% approval ratings.
Interestingly, the poll also found that the majority of Americans would like a Democratic-controlled Congress, which doesn't make sense considering the absence of flying pigs of any kind. Even Democrats themselves were surprised.
"Wait...what?" said Nevada Senator Harry Reid, yawning and rubbing his eyes, having just woken up minutes before at 4:00. "What did we do, now?"
Beleaguered Senator Tom DeLay also saw opportunity in the controversy, bringing several indictments against the hair for conspiring against him and trying to get him into trouble.
"Harriet Miers' hair told me to take the money," he said, drooling and furiously working his hands. "The money said, 'Tommy,' and I knew he was being there with my friends."
"Democrats!" he screamed.