Terrorist Support Of Bush Exceeds American Approval Ratings
Though sworn to the death and destruction of America and its leaders, nine out of ten terrorists say they are "happy" with the job Bush has done in the White House -- a number that far surpasses American support of the President, according to a CNN/Gallup/al-Jazeera poll released today.
As Bush's domestic support dips to record lows, jihadists, suicide bombers and other assorted terrorists expressed almost unanimous satisfaction and praise for the job he has done to further their cause.
"Naturally, we would prefer someone like [Iranian President] Mahmoud Admadinejad or Osama bin Laden to reside in the White House," said Sheik Mouqtada Alstani, leader of Terrorists For Bush terrorist organization, "but President Bush has done more to further our cause than someone who has constructive ideas to resolve the conflicts that plague our region, so on that account we put our full support behind his policies."
Alstani said that the American people could easily save themselves from violence and expiations for attacks on Islam if they would elect a leader that is sworn to their destruction and death, "but since Bush has basically done that inadvertently, we'll continue to let you [the American citizens] live."
"For now, that is," he added.
While Bush continues to garner support from terrorists, pollsters have found that approval amongst Americans is dipping into impossibly negative percentage points. Though a negative percentile is mathematically unattainable, the survey conducted by the Pew Research Center found that not only did not a single American approve of the President's handling of everything, but that many spoke for their unborn children or dead grandparents.
"Many of those who disapprove of Bush's handling of the war in Iraq or the Hurricane Katrina relief are not technically alive yet, or have been dead for years, and in some cases even before Bush was 'elected' president," said researcher Harold Williams. "However, regardless of their lack of physical existence, their collective voice of opposition to Bush's policies must be heard, despite Congressional approval of the Patriot Act renewal."
One of the greatest sources of American disapproval for Bush is in response, or "counter-response", to the Hurricane Katrina response. The same bungled relief effort is receiving rave reviews from the enemies of America.
"The errors committed by the Bush Administration have done more to kill more Americans and destroy more lives than almost any of our efforts combined since 9-11," said an anonymous member of al-Qaeda in a statement to al-Jazeera. "How can we not throw out undivided support behind such a man? If only he had another four years…"
The President's popularity amongst his own constituents has reached such low depths that instead of opposing his disastrous policies and ideas, most Americans have begun ignoring him in the hopes that he'll just go away.
"Mom, President Bush is looting the treasury and ensuring that my generation will have enormous debt to foreign nations to repay," complained eight year-old Sally Dillon to her mother. The weary Deborah Dillon, 36, is used to the tattling.
"Honestly, every day it's something with them," she told this reporter, shouting over her shoulder, "Don't let him get a rise out of you or it will encourage him!"
The former activist-turned-mother of Pasadena said she tries to put Bush's shenanigans in a context that her children can understand, explaining to her offspring what the playground bully, the kid with bad breath, and President Bush all have in common.
"If you pay attention to him he's only going to make you angry, which is what he wants," she said. "Just pretend like he's not even there and maybe he'll leave you alone."